Dumb, Stupid, and Ugly. This trio of accusers plagued me for many years of my life, and every aspect of my being passed through their filters. They were so real to me that I named them with capital letters and thought of them as three distinct, living beings. And each one tortured me in his own way.
But what is the difference between Dumb and Stupid? In my long relationships with Dumb, Stupid, and Ugly, the distinctions were subtle but real. Stupid had to do with intellect, but Dumb had to do with my words and actions. Whenever I messed up, whenever I was not perfect, whenever I said something off-the-wall or tripped over my own feet, Dumb appeared. Dumb was right there to accuse me.
Until I started going to counseling, I did not realize just how much Dumb was a part of my life. Dumb would whisper in my ear, “How could you have said THAT?” or, “Why did you do THAT?” Memories of certain situations where I had acted or sounded dumb haunted me constantly. While I was driving, taking a shower, cooking supper, cleaning house – you name the place – my mind would accuse me, reminding me of the dumb thing I had said or how dumb I must have looked.
I would say to myself, “I acted so dumb…,” but then, instead of thinking that I was saying and doing dumb things, I regressed to the point that I believed that I was dumb! I actually became dumb and walked around believing that I could not do anything right. I never gave myself permission to make mistakes, because mistakes were the evidence that Dumb needed to beat me down over and over.
So, as I began to wrestle with Dumb and try to extract him from my life, our battle became more intense. He kept whispering in my ear, and I heard his voice constantly. Sometimes when I was driving the thoughts would come to me and I would literally yell at them to stop. Years and years of Dumb’s evidence began to pour upon me. He did not want to let me go, so he began fighting for his place in my life.
This was a terrible time on my journey to wholeness. The only thing that kept me from going insane was going to counseling and reading God’s Word.
Next week I will share a little more about how I dealt with Dumb but until then, if you have someone or something in your life who, like Dumb, wants you to fail and wants to ruin your life, find help to get them out of your life!
Blessings – Lisa