I survived sharing about my deepest hurt and sharpest pain! My counselor gave me a new assignment, to deal with the truth of my situation. And here is that truth: My husband is not my abuser. Every day I wrote that statement in my journal. Every day I meditated on the fact that my husband is not the person who had inflicted great pain on my mind, body, and soul. Then, the next week, I added another truth to my arsenal against the enemy who wants to defeat me. Like the first one, this new truth was critical to my healing. My husband loves me very much. During the following weeks, these two truths became imbedded into my heart and consciousness.

Whenever I sensed the approach of negative feelings about sex, I remembered these truths. Over and over, these two truths had to be written and rewritten in my journal. How strange that something that had happened to me when I was six years old could dictate how my body would react to my husband over fifty years later. Like all my other battles, the battle over my sexual issues has always been about truth. I needed to rewire my emotions. The devil is the father of lies, and his lies had filled my mind long enough. I decided to walk in the truth.

When I was finally able to confront my sexual problems, God gave me scripture from the book of Jeremiah. Jeremiah 1:4-5 says, “Now the word of the LORD came to me saying, ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations’” (NAS). God reassured me that He has known me since before time began and that I am special to Him. He has consecrated my life to His Purpose and His Plan. As I write these blogs, I see that He has also appointed me a prophet to the nations, a voice for those who may need these words to find hope and comfort in Him during their journeys to wholeness.

Jeremiah 1:6-7 continues, “Then I said, ‘Alas, LORD GOD! Behold, I do not know how to speak, because I am a youth.’ But the LORD said to me, ‘Do not say, “I am a youth,” because everywhere I send you, you shall go, and all that I command you, you shall speak.’” Jeremiah was making an excuse. My excuse—my fear—was that facing my sexual issues with my husband was going to hurt more than I could bear. I was afraid that I would never be able to change, that I would never be restored. That fear had followed me for months.

But God responds to my fear in verses 8-10:

“Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you,” declares the LORD. Then         the LORD stretched out His hand and touched my mouth, and the LORD said to me,          “Behold, I have put My word in your mouth. See, I have appointed you this day over           the nation and over the kingdoms, to pluck up and to break down, to destroy and to           overthrow, to build and to plant.”

God tells me not to be afraid of the feelings and emotions that I have to work through, for He will deliver me from my bondage and pain. He encourages me and assures me that I will “pluck up and break down, destroy and overthrow, and build and plant.” What an inspiring word of hope! I know I must cling to those words, because all those actions take time. Those actions also take diligence and a plan. But I am ready to move forward and taste the fruit that will one day be ripe for the picking.

What about you? Are there lies in your life that need to be replaced with the truth? Are you willing to believe that all that has happened to you has been consecrated by God so that you can do a work in His Kingdom? Do you believe that one day those wicked things in your life and mine, whatever they may be, will be broken down, destroyed, rebuilt, and planted anew? Oh, let us believe! Let’s get that plan together and move forward to bask in God’s love for us. I can taste that fruit now.

Blessings – Lisa

So far in these posts, I have not yet shared about the deepest hurt and sharpest pain that I have endured due to my being molested as a child. This particular wound has been the hardest one for me to face and discuss. It has to do with the subject of sex. Just writing that last sentence was painful for me. In today’s society, sex is commonplace, but for me it is hard even just to say the word sex.

But it hasn’t always been that way. When my husband and I were newlyweds, we seemed to have a normal marriage, healthy in all aspects. I cannot really tell you when the changes in our intimate life began, except that I remember starting to have problems at about the time that our son reached puberty. The timing makes sense to me now, since my molestation had come at the hands of teenage boys. Back then, though, when those memories were still stuffed away in my subconscious, I did not know why our sex life had suddenly become a problem.

In counseling, I have learned that women who are molested as children generally follow one of two paths as a result. Some victims become sexually promiscuous. Others go in the opposite direction and hate sex. Of course, this is an oversimplification, but you get the picture.

I chose the latter path. When I heard other married women talk about their husbands in glowing terms, I only thought about how much I hated to be touched. Going away on a romantic weekend was not my idea of a good time. These irrational feelings only made me believe even more that I was weird or that something was wrong with me. I hated to watch love scenes in movies, explicit or implied. I especially could not watch a movie that involved rape or the sexual degradation of women. I began to dress inside my closet so that my husband would not see me without clothes. Sex became torture for me. I gritted my teeth and felt actual physical pain. I cried out to God, but continued to spiral into deeper and deeper depression.

When my husband and I tried to talk about this issue I always came away feeling worse about myself than ever before. All the things he shared with me were true. He said I “should” want to be with him. I “ought” to feel the way a wife is supposed to feel. I knew all those things in my mind, but my body just would not cooperate. It really is a miracle that my husband stayed with me through all those years—a miracle, but also a great testimony of his love for me and his commitment to our marriage.

I began to derive my love and acceptance from my children instead of my husband, because my children didn’t demand any physical love from me. I turned the love that I should have had for my husband toward them. I knew that this was wrong and that I should love my husband first, but the sexual issues were too hard to overcome. My sexual problems multiplied ten times over when our daughter first started dating. I felt that I was in a pit of despair and found myself with no hope.

Then I found a counselor who helped me believe that there was hope for me. Oh, how I wanted to believe that I could be “normal” when it comes to sex. And the journey to wholeness began. Little did I know that I would have to confront dumb, stupid, ugly, unforgiveness, bitterness, and all the other pains and heartaches that I encountered along the way before I could actually start dealing with the issue of sex. Each victory over those other problems gave me strength and courage to believe that this struggle, too, would have a good outcome, and gave me hope in my future with my husband. I really could be the woman God created me to be.

Joel 2:12-13 says, ‘Return to Me with all your heart, and with fasting, weeping and mourning; and rend your heart and […] return to the LORD your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness and relenting of evil” (NASB).

I knew that now was the time to give myself wholly to my healing, because it involved more than just me. Only then could I claim the promise found in verses 23-25:

     So rejoice, O sons of Zion, and be glad in the LORD you God for He has given you the              early rain for your vindication. And He has poured down for you the rain, the early and        latter rain as before. The threshing floors will be full of grain, and the vats will overflow      with the new wine and oil. Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming          locust has eaten, the creeping locust, the stripping locust, and gnawing locust.

But the most cherished promise of all is given in verse 26: “Then My people (including me!) will never be put to shame.” I have hope that all the years that were stripped from me will be made new and I will never again have shame!

I am ready to face this new challenge. Come with me, Friend, and He can do it for you, too.

Blessings – Lisa