During the darkest days when Dumb, Stupid, and Ugly still controlled my life, I felt so black. I felt weird and different. I felt as if no one could possibly understand what was going on with me. Had any of my friends ever felt like stabbing herself with a knife? And how could I even ask someone that question?
When my life was the blackest, I really struggled with these thoughts. Whenever I was in the kitchen with a knife in my hand, I had strong urges to stab myself. One time I just dropped the knife, and it cut my leg. Another urge I had to fight was the impulse to stick my hand down the garbage disposal and turn it on. I knew these were not normal thoughts, and I was afraid to tell anyone about them. These impulses were very compelling but, because of God’s providence, I never gave in to them.
In my counseling sessions, I learned that these destructive desires are normal for people who have experienced sexual trauma. Maybe my friends and family would never understand or know what I was going through, but there are other women out there who will nod their heads and understand completely. But the blackness was still with me. I felt tarnished and stained and ugly and useless. The early months of my counseling sessions were difficult because blackness had such a grip on my life. I had already lost hope, and my recovery seemed to be coming so slowly. I cried out to God for an understanding about what was happening in my life.
Then God showed me a great truth. As my husband and I were preparing to sell our house, I was going through the cabinets and purging because I knew we were going to have to downsize. I found a pair of silver candlesticks at the back of a cabinet. I knew they were silver because I remembered receiving them as a wedding gift, but when I found them again they were black with tarnish. So I went to the store, bought some silver polish, and began to clean them. It was hard work! I polished and cleaned, and got black all over my hands and polishing cloths. But my reward was a beautiful pair of gleaming silver candlesticks.
God spoke to my heart. He told me that I was one of those candlesticks, and that He Himself would lovingly polish the black from my life. It would be hard work because, just like those candlesticks that had been hidden away at the back of a cabinet for years, my life had acquired years and years of blackness. The process would take time.
But, when the time came, I would be polished and beautiful and useful. What joy! What comfort! The Creator Himself wanted to get His hands dirty to polish my black heart. Proverbs 2:3-5 says, “For if you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding; if you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will discern the fear of the LORD, and discover the knowledge of God” (NAS).
Friend, He wants to do the same for you. Let Him do it. It will not be instantaneous; it will be hard. But, oh, to know that our lives will one day give joy to others! Give Him your black heart today. Give Him all those hurtful things that you have hidden away from the world. No one else may understand, but He does. Cry out to Him and you will discover the understanding He has for you. Let’s be those silver candlesticks together, shining with a bright light to give Hope to those around us who need healing. Let Him start today.
Blessings – Lisa