Monthly Archives: March 2018

Life on the Other Side

Posted on by under Counseling, depression, disassociation, Faithfulness, Hope, Hopelessness, Uncategorized

My life took a new direction when my anger and other negative emotions began to come out into the open. I began having a hard time dealing with everyday activities. I cried a lot and had trouble making decisions. New phobias appeared, to take the place of the ones God had removed from my life. I started retreating from life. I gave up most activities and resigned from my positions at church. But I turned to my counselor, and she gave me permission to give myself some space.

Other traumas were happening in my life at the same time, and the combination of them all was just too much for me to handle. I’m not saying that going to counseling means locking yourself up in your house, but everyone has her own path to walk for healing. For me personally, I had to step down from some leadership positions because I was not capable of performing them at that time. People at church started noticing that I was different, even though I thought I looked and acted the same as always. People could tell. Thankfully, my “safe” friends loved and encouraged me through it all without having to know what was going on. I needed this time apart to heal and to learn the truth so God could transform my life.

Different books and devotions ministered to me mightily during this dark time. One devotion in particular centered on a time of taking away. That is, God takes something away for a time so that He can give something new instead. In my own life, my daughter was growing away from me, my husband had a new job in another city, and my job had been taken away from me. We were putting our house on the market because we were going to move away from our loved and cherished town and I was removing myself from the jobs at church that I had treasured for so long. Wow. That was a lot of taking-aways. No wonder I could not function: I was on overload.

Where is this leading, Oh God? I cannot see what You are trying to do in my life. Please show me!

Then God gave me a book that painted a great picture for me. That book is Malchus by W. G. Griffiths. Through it, God revealed the hopelessness of the onlookers at the crucifixion, the despair they felt because at that time they did not know the TRUTH. They did not know that they were being set free. They saw one side of the cross, and they thought that that was the end of it. They could not even imagine what was on the other side.

All of my takings-aways had brought me great despair, but the truth was that God was using all of those things to change my heart. He was using those things to heal me. In John 10:10 Jesus says, “The thief comes only to steal, and kill and destroy; I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly” (NAS). God did not kill, steal, or destroy any of those things that He took away from me. He was taking away so that He could replace all those things, fill my life so that I could live more abundantly. I had been just like those who looked at the cross and saw only hopelessness and despair. But, Oh, how their lives were changed when they learned the TRUTH. On the other side of the cross came the resurrection and new life–a more abundant and free life.

Has God taken something away from you, and you are spiraling down in despair? Do you see only hopelessness and agony? Are you having trouble just going through the motions of life because it is filled with so much pain? I am here to tell you this: There is a more abundant life awaiting you on the other side of this painful time. Jesus Christ gave His life for you because He wants you to have a free, victorious, and abundant life. Let God have His way as He takes away and gives. Believe the TRUTH. Believe that you can be whole. Believe that one day life will be good and you will be able to smile again. There is life on the other side. And it is good. I am believing it.

Blessings – Lisa

Happy Thoughts and a Great Reward

Posted on by under Anger, Cats, Counseling, depression, disassociation, Happy Thoughts, Uncategorized

Today I awoke feeling as if I should write about happy thoughts. But somewhere along the way I got busy, busy, busy trying to get ready for a trip. I’ve been too distracted to focus on any one thing and haven’t gotten anything accomplished. Finally God spoke to my heart and said, “Enough is enough. I want you to stop now and write. You will be ready for your trip when the time comes, but I want you to write this now.”

So, here I am, sitting and waiting to hear from God what He wants me to write. Happy thoughts? I ask myself to recall some of the good things that have happened during this journey from depression into freedom. And, as I look out the door this morning, I see one of the gifts that God has brought me. He brought two cats into my life. They literally just showed up out of nowhere. You may not think that there’s anything extraordinary about that, but they have become very special to me.

All of my life I have been highly allergic to cats. If I were in the same room with one I would have an attack of some sort and then have to leave the premises. But God, in His infinite wisdom, brought me two cats that live outside. I pet them and hold them, but I have never had an allergy attack. They have brought such comfort to me, especially during the days when everyone in my family would be gone and I felt so alone. The cats never cared if I cried; they just sat in my lap and purred. My husband and daughter thought I had gone loony when the cats showed up, but I know that God brought them to me. I cannot imagine life without them now.

Another happy thought that God has brought back into my mind has to do with music. Looking at my journal, I am reminded of all the times that God gave me just the right song at just the right time on just the right occasion. One song in particular would come on the radio for me to hear on some of my darkest days. Once, when I really needed encouragement, I heard that song twice in just a few hours, on two different radio stations. My amazing God orchestrated that for me.

At certain points in my life, a few particular songs held bad associations for me, reminders of a very hurtful time that caused deep pain that I feared would never be resolved. But the happiest thought I have today is how God has taken away my hatred for those songs. There was a time when just hearing those songs made me angry and I would have to turn off the radio, but now I am able to appreciate them again.

My intense hatred for those songs and the anger they stirred inside me had really surprised me. But the Enemy can use anything to cause hurt and pain and agony. (There are other noises that still bother me today, noises that I associate with my molestation. I have learned that certain smells, colors, or images can trigger memories and bring on a violent reaction.) But with God’s help, there has been forgiveness and resolution of that hurtful situation, and that relationship has been transformed and made new. So today, as I rushed around trying to pack for my trip and get the house in order, I heard one of the songs that had had such a negative connotation for me. I stopped in my tracks. When I heard that song, I was amazed. I no longer felt the pain and the agony, but was able to enjoy that song once again.

Oh, what a happy thought! What a joy! It was as if God were saying to me, “Yes, this difficult situation has had healing and, yes, you can have a song in your heart once more.” Isn’t that a wondrous thing?

Is there something in your life that the Enemy is using to cause you grief and agony? Let me share Hebrews 10:35-36 with you today: “Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised” (NAS). You see I had to endure and work through my situation. Don’t throw away the confidence concerning your own situation.

Do the will of God, work hard, and believe that God can take any noise, any color, any smell, or any song and turn it into a happy thought. His Word calls it a great reward, a promise from God Himself. He wants you to sing a song in your heart and be free from hurting, pain, and agony. Sit with me now, and let’s think about the happy things that God has brought into our lives. Be still. Listen. He wants to whisper those happy thoughts to you right now.

Blessings – Lisa

This Mountain is Huge, But One Day I Will Walk Over It

Posted on by under Counseling, depression, disassociation, Hope, Hopelessness, Uncategorized

As I write this, I have been going to counseling for quite a few months, but there seem to be more bad days than good ones. I feel as if my life is full of mountains right now. My issues seem so huge to me. I am up and down, angry and sad, fearful and confident–all at the same time. I have worked through resentments, negative feelings, anger, rage, disappointments, hurts. I have had so many victories, but that mountain still looks so massive.

Do light and peace wait for me on the other side of the mountain? All I can see today are rocks, boulders, and snow-capped peaks that I must dig through and climb over. What wisdom is in God’s Word for me today? I don’t hear anything. Even the Word is silent in my heart. I’ve searched for verses on mountains, but nothing speaks to me today.

All I can see is the mountain. I am that little girl again, and I cannot find my way. Where do I begin? So much is coming at me at one time. So, I sit still. I ask for God’s presence. And then it happens: I find relief in God’s Word.

He sent from on high, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy from those who hated me, for they were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the LORD was my support. He also brought me forth into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me. (II Samuel 22:17-20, NAS)

These words hold multiple meanings for me. They speak of my abuse. God will deliver me from my strong enemy, my abuser of long ago who had hated me and hurt me at a time when I was weak and vulnerable. And now–today–God is my support and will rescue me from myself as I seek help. He Himself will take me, draw me out, and rescue me. And those precious, precious words: “He delights in me.” Oh, what wonderful words to hide in my heart and believe! I need to know that Someone delights in me.

But His Word doesn’t stop there. Verses 31-39 continue,

As for God, His way is blameless; the Word of the LORD is tested; He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him. For who is God, besides the LORD? And who is a rock, besides our God? God is my strong fortress; and He sets the blameless in His way. He makes my feet like hinds’ feet, and sets me on my high places. He trains my hands for battle, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.You have also given me the shield of Your salvation, and Your help makes me great. You enlarge my steps under me, and my feet have not slipped. I pursued my enemies and destroyed them, and I did not turn back until they were consumed. And I have devoured them and shattered them, so that they did not rise; and they fell under my feet.

Here is the answer to my mountain. God will set me upon that mountain and, with His help, I will fight and defeat my enemies. Did you see the promise? They will be destroyed, consumed, devoured, and shattered. Those enemies who are looming over me like a huge mountain will not rise, but will fall under my feet. But I have to take that first step.

God promises to enlarge my steps under me and to give me hinds’ feet so that I will not slip on the mountain. I still have to do the work, one step at a time, to move that mountain, one rock at a time. One rock at a time, one thought at a time, one act of forgiveness at a time, one memory at a time, one open door at a time, one phobia at a time, one hurt at a time. These are the rocks that have to be removed from that mountain, and God promises that, because He delights in me, He will help me. Oh, what joy!

How about you? Do you have a mountain before you? Do you feel small and helpless, overwhelmed by the work before you? Has the enemy convinced you that you will never be rescued? Well, let me tell you now with confidence that your enemy will be defeated, destroyed, and shattered.

Believe it. One day that mountain will be removed. Come with me; let’s tear down that mountain one rock at a time because, you see, our God delights in us! He wants to set us up on high places. He is our strong fortress. He Himself came from on high just to deliver us from the enemy. He delights in me, and He delights in you. Let’s get rid of that mountain. Let’s take the first step today and start moving those rocks.

Blessings – Lisa

 

 

 

 

Not Perfect and I’m Still Okay…

Posted on by under Anger, Counseling, depression, disassociation, Dumb Stupid and Ugly, Uncategorized

As I continued to work through my challenging situations, God promised that He was with me always, and I began to see some evidence of hope–that God did have a plan for using what was going on in my life. Even when some traumatic family issues began to surface, I could see God at work in that situation, also. But then a new emotion began to erupt within me. Anger.

For so long, I had stuffed away not only all my hurts and fears, but my anger as well. I had essentially stuffed all of my emotions out of my life. I had become numb. But, as God worked on me, my feelings started to thaw. And as they thawed, I started getting angry. Angry with people. Angry with situations. Angry with myself, and angry with God.

I was so angry that I could not find rest, and was anxious about everything. My thoughts seem to spiral beyond my control so that I was not even able to read my Bible or pray. What in the world was going on with me? Hadn’t God just shown me His Faithfulness and Care for my life? I had had such a high, and now two weeks later I’m angry?

I started to feel guilty, but I kept praying over and over, “God, help me to rest in you!” My counselor assured me that what I was experiencing was normal, but I knew I had to learn to get those distorted messages out of my life. I believed that as a Christian I was not supposed to get angry. But my anger made me feel guilty, and my guilt made me feel angry. My feelings were turning into a vicious cycle, and I needed to get rid of the distortions and get an accurate account instead.

Again, my counselor reassured me that it was okay for me to be angry as long as I did not act on that anger and hurt others. I had permission to scream and cry and yell, because there really were some things in my life to be angry about. I could journal and journal, and that way give it all to God. My, how that freed my soul! It was okay to feel my feelings once again. I did not have to stuff my emotions away any longer.

So, I began to write about how I really felt about things. I began to release the anger–I just wrote and wrote and wrote. I did not know how much I had bottled up inside me. There were times I just wanted to stomp on my journal, jump on it, tear it up, shred it into a million pieces. but even as I released the anger and the disappointments and the hatred (yes, there were times I just felt hatred) I began to feel the peace of God. I realized that I had to process the anger before I could rest in the truth. I needed to practice Ephesians 4:26, which says, “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (NAS).

So, what was the truth about what I was dealing with during this difficult time? The truth, for me, was that I was not perfect and therefore I could not expect my family to be perfect, either, though most of my anger had been directed at them and their imperfections. Perfection had been my way to overcome Dumb, Stupid, and Ugly, and that didn’t work. The TRUTH was this: I can never be perfect, no matter how hard I try, and neither can my family. I will always mess up  and make mistakes, and that’s okay. Did you catch that last part? It’s okay.

Here is my encouragement for you today. If you have deadened your soul and are numb to your emotions, do not stay there. Friend, release the anger, the sorrow, the guilt, the shame. Whatever it is, release it to God. He can handle it all. Also remember this great truth: we all make mistakes, and that’s okay. Really. God loves you just as you are, and He loves you even when you mess up. Believe it. Live it.

Blessings – Lisa