Monthly Archives: September 2018

Moving From My Head to My Heart

Posted on by under Hope, Prayer, Uncategorized

God has revealed to me that I am not a disappointment to Him, and that He loves me dearly. He has shown me that, through His Son, I can have real understanding of what is true. But these revelations came at great cost, through intense personal struggling. As I meditated on these great truths, I asked God to show me something good that has come out of all my pain and suffering.

God whispered to me to think about my prayer life and what it has become because of this adversity. He wanted me to look through my journal, paying close attention to what I had written during times of hardship, to see what had happened to my prayer life over the past few months and years. What I saw in my journal entries opened my eyes. I realized that there had indeed been times when I had lost hope, but then, somewhere along the way, I saw a change.

I have always believed in the power of prayer. I am involved with the prayer committee at my church and have helped plan prayer-emphasis services. I have been active with Moms in Prayer International (formerly Moms in Touch International) for over twenty years. For over fifteen years, I have met with the same friend to pray for our children and their schools. On many mornings, I have sat at the front window of my house and watched my daughter’s friends drive by on their way to school; they would honk their car horns at me, and I would pray for them. I strongly believe that prayer changes things.

Prayer is a form of protection against the evil forces that want to kill, steal, and destroy the world around me. But, honestly, at times my prayer life has lacked a little something. When I started my journey of deep depression, I even stopped praying altogether, apart from my regular meetings with my Moms in Prayer friend. She was so faithful and always there to keep me going. Without her, I probably would have given up that prayer time, too.

But all that had changed. It changed when prayer became not a daily habit but a daily need. I had to pray to make it through the day. I had to pray to forgive others. I had to pray against bitterness. I had to pray for the removal of my obsessive thoughts. Prayer became more personal to me, a part of my very being.

But just as I was praying for myself, I had to pray for others, especially for those who were my “enemies.” God was calling me to pray daily for those people who had hurt me and even betrayed me. Then as my healing progressed, I realized that other people around me also needed to be free from the very things that had held me captive. I began to feel a burden to pray for others who did not know God and who were facing sorrow and uncertainty. I grieved that so many people were heading down the road to doom and destruction. So I cried out to God for direction in my praying. For whom should I pray? There are so many.

First, God told me to be more diligent in praying for my family. So I started praying specific prayers for the individual, personal needs of my husband and my children and my grandchildren. I especially prayed for their character growth and their walks with the Lord.

Okay, God, who’s next? Who else needs to be lifted up?

God gave me a mission. He told me to pray for a particular group of people with whom I was indirectly involved but did not know well. I collected their names and added them to my prayer list. These were people that I knew were not saved or, if they were, were living far from their faith. I began to pray for them diligently, understanding all along that I may never know the answer to those prayers. And, this time, my heart was different.

My prayers had moved from my head to my heart. And if my prayers could help even one person find freedom in Christ then I wanted to stand in the gap for that one person. In Nehemiah 4:7 we find these words: “[A]nd the men of Ashdod heard that the repairs to Jerusalem’s walls had gone ahead and that the gaps were being closed, they were very angry” (NIV). I want to be able to write in my journal one day that the gaps of unbelief are being closed and that the enemy is very angry. I want to see these young people that God has laid on my heart turn toward God and away from bondage. I want to see my family walking whole-heartedly with the Lord, too.

Friend, to what specific mission is God calling you, what task has come out of your troubled journey? Do not resist Him any longer, but ask Him what He would have you do, and then do it! Only you can fulfill the purpose that has been designed just for you. Oh, that your trials would lead you to a deeper walk with Christ. Ask Him today.

Blessings – Lisa

Caught Between a Steak and an Ear of Corn

Posted on by under Uncategorized

Four days after my raging meltdown—the one caused by my belief that I was a disappointment to my husband—Satan attacked me again, trying to defeat me. He has had years of practice to perfect his insidious methods against those of us who want to change our lives and become more Christ-like. We had battled just four days earlier, and my victory was not yet complete. This time, his assault came with a twist.

At that season of my life, making menus and shopping for groceries were still very challenging for me. My husband had decided to lose some weight, and he had chosen a particular diet that required a rather specialized menu, heavy on protein and light on carbohydrates. At the same time, my daughter and I had become involved in a different program that advocated a diet full of fruits and vegetables. I had a dilemma. I felt caught between a steak and an ear of corn! Should I commit to the program I was already undertaking, or should I support my husband in his chosen path? I could not do both.

I decided to participate in the program that I was already following. But after just three days, I slipped up and started having meltdowns. The pressure of preparing, weighing, and measuring my husband’s special meals and then having to prepare my own meals overwhelmed me. I felt very disappointed with myself, and I felt that I must be disappointing my family also since I could not keep from having meltdowns. I started shutting down emotionally, giving in to the belief that my life was spinning out of my control. So I did what I had done many times before: I gave up on my diet and binged. I figured that, if I couldn’t stay on either of the diets, I would keep neither of them.

How did I go from Point A (trying to be faithful to a diet) to Point B (binge-eating) in such a short period of time? It was because I was trying to do it on my own strength. Thankfully, I realized that, instead, I needed to stop and rest in the Truth that God wanted me to see. He used this situation—this failure—to let me know that I am not a disappointment to Him. Jeremiah 17:5 says, “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD” (NIV). I had been trying to start this new season in my own flesh. I later discovered that, during those days of agony, there were many “I” statements in my journal. I had taken my eyes off God and was feeling helpless and invisible, and that made me vulnerable to Satan’s attack.

Jeremiah continues in verses 7-8, “But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit” (NIV).

So God wants me to trust in Him fully and for my confidence to remain wholly in His love for me. He knows my heart, and whether or not I binge never causes Him to love me any more or any less. There may be a day when God requires me to fast and pray, but this particular season was not my personal time to do so. This was my time to be strengthened, to re-learn the lesson that I am not a disappointment to God. His Truth needed to be embedded more deeply into my soul and my mind.

Today in my journal, I will write I John 5:20, “We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true by being in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life” (NIV). This season in my life will be focused on the one who is true. He will give me understanding as I walk this new path of freedom. I am not a disappointment. He who is true loves me and gave His Son so that I might have eternal life.

Is there some lesson that has not yet been ingrained in your heart and mind? Let God work on your life until you fully believe all that He wants you to know. I want to be that tree that is planted firmly and bearing fruit whether there is drought or rain. What about you? Trust in the Lord. Believe. Have confidence. Know the One who is true.

Blessings – Lisa

The Truth About Me

Posted on by under Counseling, Hope, Uncategorized

When I first started counseling, my counselor warned me that I might experience fits of rage at times during the healing process. For years, I had repressed my anger about what had been done to me as a child, trapping it deep inside me, and it was bound to come out sooner or later. Finally, one day, my anger did come out, all because of one little word: disappointed.

Someone dear to me told me he was disappointed about something, and I felt responsible for that disappointment. But then I subconsciously twisted his words and interpreted them to mean that I was a disappointment to him. Not that I had caused disappointment, but that I was a disappointment. I took that word disappointed to heart: beyond reason, I believed that I was a disappointment to this one whom I loved.

I just went to pieces. My rage surfaced, and I reacted as I had never reacted to anything before. I screamed. I threw pillows and tore the sheets off the bed. I wept and cried loudly. My husband—the one whom I had disappointed—was there in the room with me. I had always done my crying alone, in private, but not this time. It was horrible. The rage had come because I did not want to be a disappointment, especially to my beloved husband.

I did not want to be stuck in the mire of my past. I had worked so hard at my counseling sessions and overcome so many obstacles, but here I was allowing a word like disappointed to defeat me. Oh God, will I ever measure up? Will I ever be someone worthy? My mind kept telling me that, no, I would never be anything but a disappointment. So I just curled up on the couch and tried to disappear. Thankfully, my husband found me and assured me that I was not a disappointment and that everything would be okay.

I went to the dictionary and looked up antonyms for the word disappointment and found the words boost, comfort, happiness, help, miracle, pleasure, relief, success, and wonder. And I remembered what I had learned in counseling, about asking myself, “What is the truth? What is the truth about me?” The Truth in God’s Word tells me that, yes, I will make mistakes and, yes, I will disappoint others but, to my God, I am never a disappointment.

I am not a disappointment! I am the opposite of a disappointment because I can boost other people around me, comfort those who are hurting and sad, bring happiness into the life of my family, help those who are needy, bring pleasure to God, bring relief to one who is distraught, succeed as a person of worth, and of course I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a miracle. I may disappoint, but I am not a disappointment.

Psalms 147:3-5, 10-11 says,

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Great is our LORD and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit. His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of a man; the LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love (NIV).

That’s me! He heals my broken heart. He knows each star by name, so surely He cares deeply about me. He is mighty in power. I put my hope in His unfailing love, so He delights in me. Oh, how I needed to hear that, to claim the comfort of His Word as I rejected the idea that I was a disappointment.

What about you? Do you feel like a disappointment? If you are a child of God, and put your trust in Him, then the truth is just the opposite. You are not a disappointment to God. He delights in you, and He wants to heal your broken heart and bind up your wounds. So put your trust in His unfailing love today. Remember, we may disappoint, but we are never disappointments. We are precious and loved. Dwell on that truth today. Believe it and walk in victory!

Blessings – Lisa