Category Archives: Uncategorized

A New Mindset

Posted on by under Counseling, disassociation, Fear, Uncategorized

I experienced a genuine breakthrough at my latest counseling session. I have been struggling to understand the various personas who live inside me, not really understanding my fractured state. Please understand that I do not “lose” portions of time or have multiple personalities that take over my life, but, in my case, different personas live inside me, safeguarding some of my emotions. In particular, the little girl who lives in me is especially withdrawn and emotionally closed down. She is the one who took the memory of my sexual trauma away from me, along with the feelings associated with that abuse. In effect, she has been protecting me for over 50 years by blocking those memories.

However, I have been able to reconcile some of my other splintered pieces and gather them back to myself.  I have even learned not to fear those other personas but rather to love them for the roles that they have played in keeping me safe and sane through the years. Now that I acknowledge and recognize them, they have appeared to me during periods of fear or anxiety and helped me through those difficult times. But I have a different sort of relationship with the little girl.

I have not been able to allow her to come forward, because I have been deathly afraid of what she will reveal to me. If what happened to me as a child was so horrible that I completely blocked it out of my memory and consequently my personality fractured, then how am I going to handle the memory today? To be honest, I have been horribly afraid to learn the truth of what happened to me as a child. During the past year, bits and pieces of that devastating experience have risen to the surface of my consciousness, and they have been extremely difficult to handle.

I am amazed at how the body remembers things from the past so vividly that it is as if you are actually reliving and feeling them again. When this has happened to me during a counseling session, I have unintentionally—or maybe intentionally—put a stop to it and refused to go any further. I did not want to relive the pain and horror of the past. I was perfectly content for the little girl to go back into hiding and she was perfectly content to retreat behind that closed door.

Unfortunately, the negative consequence of my refusal to face the little girl was that, when she went away, she took some of my feelings away with her. For years I have struggled with feeling numb inside, but now I am just tired of feeling that way. I have worked on my marriage, using exercises designed to improve my relationship with my husband, but the numbness remained. I yearned to be different from how I was, and finally came to the conclusion that the only way to be truly whole again was to let the little girl step forward during counseling. I had to meet her face-to-face.

So I went into counseling the next time with a new mindset. I made up my mind not to be afraid. I would let the little girl say everything that needed to be said. Joshua 1:9 admonishes us, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go (NAS).” I had trembled before, but not today! I would be strong and courageous because I knew that God would be with me and help me face anything that the little girl shared. So I allowed her to share, and she did. As a result, more healing came into my heart and mind. And, though it was hard and worthwhile, it was not terrifying or horrible.

Is there something in your life that you are afraid to face? Is it something that would bring healing and move you toward wholeness? Know and believe this Truth: God is with us wherever we go. No matter how hard or how terrifying you think it will be, God is with you. Stop trembling. Do not be dismayed. Do whatever it is that you need to do to bring healing to those hurting places.

Blessings – Lisa

The Quilt God is Making

Posted on by under Happy Thoughts, Hope, Uncategorized

For weeks following my surgery, I found myself going through a season of weariness, unmotivated and unable to write. Instead, I became consumed with reading a series of novels. I love to read mystery novels, but this time I left my comfort zone and picked up a book about quilting and quilters. And I don’t even like to sew! In fact, I gave my sewing machine away to my daughter-in-law, who uses it to create clothing and gifts for our grandchildren, for herself, and for others. Unlike my mother, who could visualize and then realize all sorts of sewing projects, I just cannot make sense of the patterns or the instructions. Fabric stores make me want to run out screaming.

So I do not know why I was drawn to this particular book at the library, when all I wanted was another mystery novel to read. But this particular book spoke to me, and I knew I had to read the entire series, and read it in order. And that’s what I have done, even though I have had to go to different libraries in different towns to find all of them. To date, I have finished fourteen of the novels. These books are all about women and their relationships as they struggle through tough situations. And today, finally, after all these weeks of apathy and aversion to writing the lessons that God places on my heart, I feel the need to write.

As I finished the fourteenth book, my heart was just bursting with gratitude to God for letting me see and believe a great truth and for giving me a word: quilting. That’s right. Quilting. But I had to ask God to explain what that word really means. God, what do you want me to see?

I have discovered that a quilter can use diverse materials including fabric from a store, hand-me-downs, old clothing, rags, scraps from other sewing projects, fine silk. Just about anything can be used to make a quilt. And quilts have many different uses. Quilts can tell stories, keep people warm, or constitute a dowry. They can be used as secret signals or be entered into competitions. Quilts are used for bed coverings, clothing, and art pieces.

Sometimes quilters work alone, and sometimes they work in groups. God, what are you saying to me through these books? The recurring theme through many of the novels is the idea of withstanding hard times. Even though troubling times come to every person’s life, a beautiful quilt can be wrought for that particular season. In the books, sometimes generations had to pass before the quilt was found and its story told, but the outcome was still beautiful.

This realization spoke to me today, for I have been struggling with the ugliness of life. I wrestle with the reality of the vicious, senseless pain that people inflict upon one another. Lives are broken, and all around me families are struggling with the same questions. God gave me this series of books about quilts to show me that something truly beautiful can come from the scraps of our lives if we choose to give those scraps to Him. Then He can cover us with His quilt, clothe us in His righteousness, and create a beautiful new story from the broken pieces of our lives.

God uses the good times and the bad times of our lives. He pieces together the different shades and hues just so, and the variety of His quilt patterns is endless. Each person’s quilt story is uniquely her own with her own patterns and colors. One day, when I am gone, my quilt will be a testimony of God’s working in my life—but only if I let Him quilt it. I can either refuse and run away and rip out the work He has done in my life, or I can trust in His handiwork and believe that the result will be beautiful to behold.

What about you? Are you struggling with all the pieces of your life? Is it hard for you to believe that God can use the bad as well as the good to make your life a beautiful quilt?

When I was in Boston, I attended a quilt exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts. The quilts were magnificent! The color choices, materials, and patterns seemed limitless. I was amazed by the time and effort spent on each quilt. Even the smallest detail was not overlooked as the quilter completed his or her masterpiece. That is just like our God. Every single second of your life, God has been working on your quilt and He will not stop working on it until He has decided that it is finished and complete.

Ephesians 2:10 begins, “For we are His workmanship.” Isn’t that a wonderful picture? God is working on us, and we can see why He is doing that, for the verse continues, “created in Christ Jesus for good works […] (NAS).” Believe with me today that our heavenly Quiltmaker knows what He is doing and He will not finish your quilt until every single stitch is just as He wants it to be. And then, it will be a beautiful thing to behold.

Blessings – Lisa 

STEP BY STEP

Posted on by under Counseling, Hope, Uncategorized

During the process of my coming out of the closet—literally coming out of my bathroom closet to dress and undress—I received a new assignment from my counselor. She encouraged me to go shopping for a new nightgown, one that did not hide who I was as a woman. At that time, I usually wore un-feminine sleepwear that covered me up and made me invisible. Honestly, I was very skeptical about this assignment and doubted that I would even be able to fulfill it.

But I got up my courage, and went to the mall, and found the lingerie department of a well-known chain store. (There was no way I could have visited Victoria’s Secret or a similar store. I was not far enough along my journey yet!) So I shopped around in the department store and found a nightgown that was modest, comfortable, and soft. But when I tried it on, I stayed inside the dressing room a long time, talking to myself. I was trying to convince myself to leave the dressing room, go to the checkout, buy the gown, and go home. Finally, I did just that.

However, once I got home, I stuffed the new nightgown, bag and all, into a dresser drawer. And I left it there. For weeks, I was at a stand-still. For days and days, I thought a lot about that nightgown in that bag in that drawer, and I even thought about opening the drawer, but I didn’t do it. Every day, I tried to rake up the courage to open the drawer but, alas, I always turned around and thought, “Maybe tomorrow.” Then tomorrow arrived, and I actually took the bag out of the drawer and looked at it…and put it right back into the dresser drawer. I had discovered that I really could open the drawer and take out the nightgown-in-the-bag, but it was a few more days until I opened the drawer again. But eventually, I did open the drawer again, I took the bag out of the drawer, and I laid it on the chair next to the bed. Whew! I had finally gotten the nightgown out of the drawer, so now I could start thinking about actually taking the nightgown out of the bag. It would take a couple more days of walking past the bag and thinking about it before I could move on to the next step.  But I took that next step. I took the gown out of the shopping bag and laid it on the chair. Of course, I covered it up so that no one could see it. I alone knew that the nightgown was there on the chair. Finally, I tried it on and then hid it once more on the chair. Then, at last, I put on the gown and wore it to bed. This was not an easy task. There were many steps, and days would elapse in between the steps. The process was exhausting, emotionally exhausting.

Philippians 4:13 assures me, “I can do all things through Him Who strengthens me” (NAS). I was not able to put on that nightgown in my own strength, but God’s strength and encouragement through those weeks are what kept me on track. I CAN do all things. That is the message that God wants me to receive and understand. I had been working so hard for so long to make changes in my life, and I was feeling like such a failure in this area. But what does the book of Philippians tell us? We can accomplish all things, because He gives us the strength to do the hard things. He gave me the strength to go shopping, to buy a new feminine nightgown, and to wear it.

What hard thing is God asking you to do on your road to healing and wholeness? Does this task seem impossible? Let us remember the Truth that God has for us in His Word—that we can do all the things that are needed for our restoration, no matter how large and overwhelming or how small and insignificant they may seem. In verse 19, Paul continues, “And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Do you see that wondrous Truth? God strengthens us and then He supplies our needs richly.

What about you? Is there some difficult assignment that you must fulfill before you can move on to the next step on your road to recovery? Believe that, when you complete that step, He will help you with the next one, and then the next one, and so on until you find yourself basking in the riches that He wants to bestow upon us so freely and lovingly. My message to you is this: Do not give up! Keep on relying on His strength and help. Someday, in glory, we will finally be completely whole. Until that day comes, let us walk our road here on earth in His strength. Grab His hand. Let’s go.

Blessings – Lisa

Healing Our Emotions: Let’s Get to Work!

Posted on by under Healing, Uncategorized

As I worked on improving my self-image and healing my relationship with my husband, my counselor gave me some new assignments. First, she told me that I had to read Song of Solomon. This may sound like an odd assignment, but I had previously mentioned to her that I could not read that book of the Bible. In fact, I hated that book. But my aversion to Song of Solomon really grieved me, because I have a love for God’s Word and His Promises and His Truth.

My counselor encouraged me to read Song of Solomon and to replace the distortions I had about relationships with the Truth. To fulfill my assignment, I was to ponder God’s idea of sex. So, as difficult as it was, I began to read through the book for my devotion every morning while I prayed for God’s help for my situation. Reading Song of Solomon broke my heart. It broke my heart because I realized that I did not have the right emotions inside me toward my husband. Instead, I felt numb and frozen.

At my counselor’s urging, I began to write in my journal daily about the good qualities that I found in my husband. Every day I wrote that he is my best friend and I love him. Then I began to write that he, too, is “fearfully and wonderfully made.” I started looking for his strengths and for the qualities that I like about him. My lists became longer and longer, and my feelings about our situation gradually changed.

My husband and I began having a devotion time together every morning. Those devotions helped immensely, forging a bond that drew my heart closer to his. I realized that I had the power to change, and that I could, after all, have the loving relationship found in Song of Solomon. My healing process would involve a lot of healthy self-talk, but I knew that I had to gain the head knowledge first, before my deceptive emotions could turn around and the good and true emotions could become a real part of me.

To help with this process, God gave me a vivid picture of what had been happening in my life. I can laugh now about the image God gave me, but I did not laugh then. He gave me the picture of a stained commode as an illustration of my life. In my house, the children’s bathroom was not being used on a regular basis and, as a result of my depression, I had not been as diligent as I should have been concerning cleaning that bathroom. When I finally did go to clean that room—yikes!—I found a serious hard-water stain in the toilet bowl. I was not happy about this situation. But then, God sent a message to my heart.

That commode was my life, and those mineral stains were the result of all the years that I had allowed negative thoughts and hard feelings to reside in my heart. Satan wanted to stain my heart and to make my life ugly. He wanted to convince me that I would never be able to feel healthy emotions or have a normal married life. God, however, whispered to me that, with a good scrubbing and much hard work, those stains would be gone and my life would shine again. Just like that commode, I would be able to function in the way that He intended. Such a crazy picture! But it brought hope to my heart.

Yes, I had to get the gloves and cleanser and brush, and I had to work hard. But I could clean up that stained commode. I could also clean up my stained heart, if I were diligent about my thoughts and feelings and believed the Truth that I find in God’s Word. I made a conscious decision to replace those negative thoughts with good and pleasant thoughts. I found a promise in Song of Solomon. Chapter 2, verses 10-13 says,

“My beloved responded and said to me, ‘Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come along. For behold, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers have already appeared in the land; the time has arrived for pruning the vines, and the voice of the turtledove has been heard in our land. The fig tree has ripened its figs, and the vines in blossom have given forth their fragrance. Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come along!’” (NAS)

God was inviting me to come along with Him, to know that my winter was passing, and that a spring full of flowers awaited me.

Are you in the winter of your journey toward healing? Do you struggle, wondering if you will ever be a whole spouse again? Do you have stains and feel ugly? Listen. Do you hear Him calling you and responding to your plea? He says that it will take some hard work on our part, but we must clean and scrub away the thoughts and feelings that have stained our hearts. But as we do so, He still calls us His “darling” and His “beautiful one,” and He wants us to come along with Him as we walk toward that promised land that is ripe and full of good things. Let’s go along with Him as He responds to our cries and says, “Come along!”

Blessings – Lisa

Journeying To A New Land

Posted on by under Anger, Counseling, Fear, Hopelessness, Uncategorized

As I walked along my journey and finally began to address my sexual issues, strong new emotions began to surface. As soon as I opened one door, the feelings that had been stuffed away for so long flooded over me. One of those emotions was anger. I was angry because I felt so alone. I felt as if I could not tell anyone else about my problems with my husband. I had a terrible secret that threatened to explode from within me. I became furious with my husband over minor infractions. For example, he was late one day when we were helping our daughter move to a new apartment, and you would have thought that he had committed a felony by the anger that washed over me. Poor guy.

As weeks passed, my anger flared up more and more often, and over the littlest things. So, again I knew I had to discern the truth about the situation. The truth was, of course, that I was not alone concerning my sexual problems. God was with me, and the knowledge of that truth was enough to help me. God gave me Psalm 37:7-9, “Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret, it leads only to evildoing, for evildoers will be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD, they will inherit the land” (NAS).

Satan certainly wanted to carry out evil schemes against me, but I was commanded to rest in the Lord and not to fret. I had to release my anger because anger only leads to evildoing. As a result of letting my anger go, I would inherit a new land, and this new land is my marriage. God had promised me that my marriage would be restored. I chose to believe God’s word and to be patient in the work that He was doing in my life.

Another of the emotions that attacked me was hopelessness. I did not feel as if I were changing fast enough. In fact, I did not feel that I would ever really change. Again, I had to look at the truth of the situation, the truth that my marriage could be restored and that God can work miracles. I cried out to God to help me believe this truth and soon began to feel peace and hope. In Psalm 37 I found another promise. Verses 10-11 say, “Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more; and you will look carefully for his place, and he will not be there. But the humble will inherit the land, and will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.” Abundant prosperity—that was what I was going to hope for. Then one day I would be able to look back and see that my hopelessness had been replaced by healing and wholeness. What a promise to cling to in my time of need!

Along with anger and hopelessness, I also experienced fear during this period of my journey, especially fear of making decisions. For some reason, I started feeling as if whatever I said or did had no value. I felt voiceless and worthless. I felt bad about myself, caught in that never-ending cycle of negativity. Would it ever end? As I discussed my predicament in counseling, I was given a new assignment: to be more assertive about what I really wanted to do in my life. That assignment was more difficult than it sounds, because I realized that I really did not know what I liked or what I wanted. I had to figure out what was important and meaningful to me. Over the years, I had retreated so much into myself that I had become a non-person without likes or desires. So this assignment turned into an adventure.

In Psalm 37:23-24, the Psalmist says, “The steps of a man are established by the LORD; and He delights in his way. When he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong; because the LORD is the One who holds his hand.” With these verses, the Lord assured me that he delighted in me, and that I was a person with meaning and purpose in my life. If I did stumble, He was there to hold my hand and lead me in the way I was to walk. Oh, how I needed to hear that word. I chose again to believe the truth, that I am a person of worth.

What truths do you need to claim? Satan wants to steal, kill, and destroy your life, but God wants to give you a new land, abundant prosperity, and meaning and purpose to your life. Give Him those hurtful emotions and believe with me that there is hope, hope for a new life that is blessed and happy. Believe. Let’s take God’s hand and walk with Him in the delightful way He has for us.

Blessings – Lisa

An Inspiring Word of Hope

Posted on by under Counseling, Hope, Uncategorized

I survived sharing about my deepest hurt and sharpest pain! My counselor gave me a new assignment, to deal with the truth of my situation. And here is that truth: My husband is not my abuser. Every day I wrote that statement in my journal. Every day I meditated on the fact that my husband is not the person who had inflicted great pain on my mind, body, and soul. Then, the next week, I added another truth to my arsenal against the enemy who wants to defeat me. Like the first one, this new truth was critical to my healing. My husband loves me very much. During the following weeks, these two truths became imbedded into my heart and consciousness.

Whenever I sensed the approach of negative feelings about sex, I remembered these truths. Over and over, these two truths had to be written and rewritten in my journal. How strange that something that had happened to me when I was six years old could dictate how my body would react to my husband over fifty years later. Like all my other battles, the battle over my sexual issues has always been about truth. I needed to rewire my emotions. The devil is the father of lies, and his lies had filled my mind long enough. I decided to walk in the truth.

When I was finally able to confront my sexual problems, God gave me scripture from the book of Jeremiah. Jeremiah 1:4-5 says, “Now the word of the LORD came to me saying, ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations’” (NAS). God reassured me that He has known me since before time began and that I am special to Him. He has consecrated my life to His Purpose and His Plan. As I write these blogs, I see that He has also appointed me a prophet to the nations, a voice for those who may need these words to find hope and comfort in Him during their journeys to wholeness.

Jeremiah 1:6-7 continues, “Then I said, ‘Alas, LORD GOD! Behold, I do not know how to speak, because I am a youth.’ But the LORD said to me, ‘Do not say, “I am a youth,” because everywhere I send you, you shall go, and all that I command you, you shall speak.’” Jeremiah was making an excuse. My excuse—my fear—was that facing my sexual issues with my husband was going to hurt more than I could bear. I was afraid that I would never be able to change, that I would never be restored. That fear had followed me for months.

But God responds to my fear in verses 8-10:

“Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you,” declares the LORD. Then         the LORD stretched out His hand and touched my mouth, and the LORD said to me,          “Behold, I have put My word in your mouth. See, I have appointed you this day over           the nation and over the kingdoms, to pluck up and to break down, to destroy and to           overthrow, to build and to plant.”

God tells me not to be afraid of the feelings and emotions that I have to work through, for He will deliver me from my bondage and pain. He encourages me and assures me that I will “pluck up and break down, destroy and overthrow, and build and plant.” What an inspiring word of hope! I know I must cling to those words, because all those actions take time. Those actions also take diligence and a plan. But I am ready to move forward and taste the fruit that will one day be ripe for the picking.

What about you? Are there lies in your life that need to be replaced with the truth? Are you willing to believe that all that has happened to you has been consecrated by God so that you can do a work in His Kingdom? Do you believe that one day those wicked things in your life and mine, whatever they may be, will be broken down, destroyed, rebuilt, and planted anew? Oh, let us believe! Let’s get that plan together and move forward to bask in God’s love for us. I can taste that fruit now.

Blessings – Lisa

Hope, Not Shame: A Cherished Promise from God.

Posted on by under Counseling, Hope, Uncategorized

So far in these posts, I have not yet shared about the deepest hurt and sharpest pain that I have endured due to my being molested as a child. This particular wound has been the hardest one for me to face and discuss. It has to do with the subject of sex. Just writing that last sentence was painful for me. In today’s society, sex is commonplace, but for me it is hard even just to say the word sex.

But it hasn’t always been that way. When my husband and I were newlyweds, we seemed to have a normal marriage, healthy in all aspects. I cannot really tell you when the changes in our intimate life began, except that I remember starting to have problems at about the time that our son reached puberty. The timing makes sense to me now, since my molestation had come at the hands of teenage boys. Back then, though, when those memories were still stuffed away in my subconscious, I did not know why our sex life had suddenly become a problem.

In counseling, I have learned that women who are molested as children generally follow one of two paths as a result. Some victims become sexually promiscuous. Others go in the opposite direction and hate sex. Of course, this is an oversimplification, but you get the picture.

I chose the latter path. When I heard other married women talk about their husbands in glowing terms, I only thought about how much I hated to be touched. Going away on a romantic weekend was not my idea of a good time. These irrational feelings only made me believe even more that I was weird or that something was wrong with me. I hated to watch love scenes in movies, explicit or implied. I especially could not watch a movie that involved rape or the sexual degradation of women. I began to dress inside my closet so that my husband would not see me without clothes. Sex became torture for me. I gritted my teeth and felt actual physical pain. I cried out to God, but continued to spiral into deeper and deeper depression.

When my husband and I tried to talk about this issue I always came away feeling worse about myself than ever before. All the things he shared with me were true. He said I “should” want to be with him. I “ought” to feel the way a wife is supposed to feel. I knew all those things in my mind, but my body just would not cooperate. It really is a miracle that my husband stayed with me through all those years—a miracle, but also a great testimony of his love for me and his commitment to our marriage.

I began to derive my love and acceptance from my children instead of my husband, because my children didn’t demand any physical love from me. I turned the love that I should have had for my husband toward them. I knew that this was wrong and that I should love my husband first, but the sexual issues were too hard to overcome. My sexual problems multiplied ten times over when our daughter first started dating. I felt that I was in a pit of despair and found myself with no hope.

Then I found a counselor who helped me believe that there was hope for me. Oh, how I wanted to believe that I could be “normal” when it comes to sex. And the journey to wholeness began. Little did I know that I would have to confront dumb, stupid, ugly, unforgiveness, bitterness, and all the other pains and heartaches that I encountered along the way before I could actually start dealing with the issue of sex. Each victory over those other problems gave me strength and courage to believe that this struggle, too, would have a good outcome, and gave me hope in my future with my husband. I really could be the woman God created me to be.

Joel 2:12-13 says, ‘Return to Me with all your heart, and with fasting, weeping and mourning; and rend your heart and […] return to the LORD your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness and relenting of evil” (NASB).

I knew that now was the time to give myself wholly to my healing, because it involved more than just me. Only then could I claim the promise found in verses 23-25:

     So rejoice, O sons of Zion, and be glad in the LORD you God for He has given you the              early rain for your vindication. And He has poured down for you the rain, the early and        latter rain as before. The threshing floors will be full of grain, and the vats will overflow      with the new wine and oil. Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming          locust has eaten, the creeping locust, the stripping locust, and gnawing locust.

But the most cherished promise of all is given in verse 26: “Then My people (including me!) will never be put to shame.” I have hope that all the years that were stripped from me will be made new and I will never again have shame!

I am ready to face this new challenge. Come with me, Friend, and He can do it for you, too.

Blessings – Lisa

Precious Gifts

Posted on by under Cats, Happy Thoughts, Hope, Uncategorized

Most of these blogs have been very difficult for me to write and have involved great upheaval of body, soul, and spirit. There have been a few happy thoughts sprinkled here and there among them, but the majority of these posts have dealt with me and my struggle as God worked in my life. Last week I wrote about how God worked on removing a black speck from my heart, directing me to do a difficult job which I accomplished with great love and peace. God used me to provide comfort for one in need, and then He surprised me.

Driving home that day, I reflected on how great God is and enjoyed the knowledge that I had been obedient. Feeling very tired and very happy, I pulled under my carport and discovered a gift there for me. It was my cat, the one that had been missing for two months. She sat there, looking at me as if she had never left, never disappeared from my life. She looked exactly the same—no ribs poking out, no scars or wounds—as if someone had just picked her up one day, cared for her for two months, and then gently deposited her back under my carport.

In my heart, I heard God say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant. Here is your reward.” What joy filled my heart! I know that this sounds crazy to some of you, but I cannot describe the love I felt at that moment flowing from my heavenly Father. I was humbled by His gift, and excited to work even harder toward my goal of a spotless heart.

Soon, I received another reward for my efforts to remove that black speck from my heart. God gave me the opportunity to minister to someone else, someone who was going through exactly the same cleansing that I had just experienced. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our afflictions so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (NAS).

With this other struggling woman, I described my personal challenges and my depression, and explained to her about the black speck in my heart and what God had called me to do. I encouraged her to follow my example so that we could be free together. I prayed for her, and told her that I loved her, and promised to be available to her any time she felt the need to talk.

So many people had ministered to me throughout the past year. I knew that I would not have come so far in my journey without their help—without their encouragement, without their taking me to the grocery store or counseling sessions, without their believing in me when I had lost hope. They continued to be my friends even when I could not be much of a friend myself. And now God was giving me the chance to comfort someone else with the comfort He had given to me.

This was huge. Finally, I began to see that there WAS light at the end of my journey. Oh, what joy! I was finally able to look around and see the needs of others and to have words to share with them because I had been there myself.

God wants to give you precious gifts because He loves you so much. Sometimes He gives us gifts for no particular reason, and then other times He rewards us for some work we have done for His glory. And then, as we are comforted by God Himself, we are able to comfort those around us. Is there someone God wants you to comfort today? All around us are men and women who have been hurt, molested, used and abused, and who struggle with the same woes as we do. Perhaps they are traveling along journeys toward healing and need our words of encouragement. Allow God to show you today. Comfort those who need comforting. Let us do that today, because I am here to tell you that there is light at the end of this journey to healing. I can see it, just around the next bend.

Blessings – Lisa

Bam! I made the choice to love.

Posted on by under depression, Forgiveness, Uncategorized

I spent months of my life diligently working to clean out the black spots in my heart. I dealt with forgiving others, had a few relapses, and then strove to forgive them again. That’s when I began to enjoy the benefits of the freedom that forgiveness brings. My heart was so light. I even resumed some of the activities and obligations that I had had to give up, and other people started to notice the changes in my life. I knew I was getting closer and closer to the end of my journey toward wellness. My victories were preparing me to face a big hurdle yet to come, but the end was in sight. I felt great!

Of course, that’s when God decided to work on a black speck in my heart. It was just a tiny speck, but it had to be erased like all the other black spots if I were to finish my journey. I had to deal with it face-on before I could move on. Isn’t that just like God? He cares so much for me that He doesn’t want even a speck to come between me and the freedom that He has to offer.

At this point of my healing, I thought that I had already forgiven all the people in my life who had caused me pain and against whom I had harbored ill feelings. I thought I was past that point. Unfortunately, however, there was one more relationship in my life that needed attention, and God was calling me to do more than just forgive this woman. She needed my help. Before, when I had dealt with other damaged relationships, I had been able to release the offending person to God privately, without direct confrontation. But this time, God wanted me to handle the situation in a completely different manner. He wanted me to take care of this person in her hour of need.

Wait a minute, God.

I did not love this woman, so how was I supposed to minister to her physical and emotional needs? I did not love her? This realization sparked a heart-wrenching battle.

Oh, God, You alone can help me out of this dilemma.

The situation was very painful. I had come so far, but now this new battle was threatening to send me back into the pit of despair. In fact, I went into a deep depression, so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed or get dressed. I was barely functioning. God commanded me to care for this person physically and emotionally, but my heart just wouldn’t cooperate. I wanted to be a godly woman. I wanted to be obedient. My head knew the Truth, but it hadn’t moved to my soul yet.

How can I do this? How, God? Change me!

In the fourth chapter of I John, John uses the word love in almost every line. Verse 7: “[Let] us love one another…, love is from God…, everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.” Verse 8: “The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” Verse 11: “Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” Verse 12: “[I]f we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us” (NASB). On and on, John writes about love. Verse 17: “Love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence.”

Confidence: that is the word that makes the difference. I have come so far and been obedient to God for so long, and I can do it again because I have confidence that God is Faithful. By emotionally and physically ministering to this person, I can rid my heart of that troublesome black speck. Oh, what joy, what victory, what excitement!

Remarkably, this particular setback lasted only one day. That in itself was part of the victory. One day of struggling and weeping and depression, and then—bam!—I gained the confidence to love someone who, for me, was unlovable. I knew that I could follow God’s command and do it with real love. I could, and I did.

Is there some black speck in your life that God wants to work on? Give it to Him. Has He called you to do something that seems impossible? Do it. Remember your past victories and use the confidence from those victories to move forward today. Today! Don’t take another year, another month, even another week, but do it today. This is my testimony to you, Oh Friend. We can have the victory today. We may wake up defeated, but at the end of the day we can go to bed victorious. Believe it. With God’s help, we can live a victorious life.

Blessings – Lisa

From A Black Maze to A Place of Contentment

Posted on by under Counseling, Fear, Hope, Uncategorized

At a certain point in my counseling, I realized that I had “hit a wall” in my healing process. There was a blackness in my mind that I could not penetrate, and I felt as if some hidden thing lurking inside me was holding me in bondage. I was right on the edge of working through this obstacle, but I just could not get through the black maze. Memories were trapped there in the blackness.

My counselor advised me to create a “safe place” to which I could retreat when the time finally came that I did penetrate that blackness and begin to drive it away, a place in my mind where I could rest whenever my emotions or thoughts became too upsetting or too hard to handle. This exercise also included choosing a name for my safe place. I chose the name Contentment. According to the dictionary, contentment is the state of being contented, and contented means feeling satisfaction with one’s possessions, status, or situation. Contentment is a feeling of calm satisfaction.

On the very day that I created my place of Contentment, after I left my counseling session, my new feeling of calm satisfaction was put to the test. When I got home, I realized that one of my pet cats was missing. You may remember that God had sent me two cats that had become sources of real joy to me, so to find that one of them was gone made me very sad. As I sat and meditated about the situation, I realized that my accustomed response to this type of challenge would have been extreme sadness accompanied by weeping and deep depression.

However, this time I felt different. I felt sad, but there was also a calmness about me. I felt contentment in the situation because my sadness was not controlling my life. I knew that I could move on and not be defeated by my extreme emotions. Some people may not consider this to be a very important thing, but to me it was a huge accomplishment. It was a great victory in my life. And I knew that my winning these battles in the small things would prepare me for the larger battles along my path to healing.

As the week progressed, I used my new place of Contentment to deal with other stressful situations, including a confrontational encounter with a difficult person. God used these opportunities to build my confidence.

In Psalm 27:1-4 He says, “The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident” (NIV).

I may have that blackness in my mind for now, but God is the light that will shine through it. I will not fear. The Lord will be my stronghold and help me advance toward healing and wholeness. I will not be afraid. Even though emotions and bad memories try to ruin my life, attack me, and beat me down, I will be confident. God has helped me with the small battles so that I can win the big ones.

Verses 5-6 tell me, “For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in his dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.” Oh what joy to be safe in His dwelling and to be on a rock, not hidden in a cave somewhere cowering from the enemy! I can declare with the Psalmist what is written in verses 13-14: “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Yes! I am confident that goodness will come out of all that I have experienced and all that I will experience in the future. But for now I must wait. I will be strong and I will wait.

Is there some difficult thing in your future that holds the key to your healing? Do you, too, need to find a safe place? What is the word that God has just for you? Rest in this assurance: God wants to keep you safe in your day of trouble. You are a victor, and God wants to set you high on a rock for all to see. Have confidence and wait on Him. Wait, and be strong.

Blessings – Lisa