Monthly Archives: August 2019

A New Mindset

Posted on by under Counseling, disassociation, Fear, Uncategorized

I experienced a genuine breakthrough at my latest counseling session. I have been struggling to understand the various personas who live inside me, not really understanding my fractured state. Please understand that I do not “lose” portions of time or have multiple personalities that take over my life, but, in my case, different personas live inside me, safeguarding some of my emotions. In particular, the little girl who lives in me is especially withdrawn and emotionally closed down. She is the one who took the memory of my sexual trauma away from me, along with the feelings associated with that abuse. In effect, she has been protecting me for over 50 years by blocking those memories.

However, I have been able to reconcile some of my other splintered pieces and gather them back to myself.  I have even learned not to fear those other personas but rather to love them for the roles that they have played in keeping me safe and sane through the years. Now that I acknowledge and recognize them, they have appeared to me during periods of fear or anxiety and helped me through those difficult times. But I have a different sort of relationship with the little girl.

I have not been able to allow her to come forward, because I have been deathly afraid of what she will reveal to me. If what happened to me as a child was so horrible that I completely blocked it out of my memory and consequently my personality fractured, then how am I going to handle the memory today? To be honest, I have been horribly afraid to learn the truth of what happened to me as a child. During the past year, bits and pieces of that devastating experience have risen to the surface of my consciousness, and they have been extremely difficult to handle.

I am amazed at how the body remembers things from the past so vividly that it is as if you are actually reliving and feeling them again. When this has happened to me during a counseling session, I have unintentionally—or maybe intentionally—put a stop to it and refused to go any further. I did not want to relive the pain and horror of the past. I was perfectly content for the little girl to go back into hiding and she was perfectly content to retreat behind that closed door.

Unfortunately, the negative consequence of my refusal to face the little girl was that, when she went away, she took some of my feelings away with her. For years I have struggled with feeling numb inside, but now I am just tired of feeling that way. I have worked on my marriage, using exercises designed to improve my relationship with my husband, but the numbness remained. I yearned to be different from how I was, and finally came to the conclusion that the only way to be truly whole again was to let the little girl step forward during counseling. I had to meet her face-to-face.

So I went into counseling the next time with a new mindset. I made up my mind not to be afraid. I would let the little girl say everything that needed to be said. Joshua 1:9 admonishes us, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go (NAS).” I had trembled before, but not today! I would be strong and courageous because I knew that God would be with me and help me face anything that the little girl shared. So I allowed her to share, and she did. As a result, more healing came into my heart and mind. And, though it was hard and worthwhile, it was not terrifying or horrible.

Is there something in your life that you are afraid to face? Is it something that would bring healing and move you toward wholeness? Know and believe this Truth: God is with us wherever we go. No matter how hard or how terrifying you think it will be, God is with you. Stop trembling. Do not be dismayed. Do whatever it is that you need to do to bring healing to those hurting places.

Blessings – Lisa

Are You Ready and Willing?

Posted on by under Counseling, disassociation, Healing, Hope

I have been reading the novel Rooms by James L. Rubart, the fictional story of a man who enters the rooms of his heart, soul, and mind, a story of restoration and breaking free from the chains that hold him captive. In the novel, the main character encounters himself as a child. By holding and crying with his child-self, he begins to find hope for healing from a traumatic childhood incident. Then God asks him whether he is ready and willing to heal that part of his heart that is still nine years old and still bound by the lies surrounding the event.

That question perfectly captures what has been going on in my own life. The little girl inside me is still six years old and in deep pain. In counseling, I have been trying to convince that little girl that all is okay now and that we can start feeling again. We do not have to keep our emotions locked away in a corner room of our heart. But I cannot seem to find her when I try to address this, and sometimes I wonder if it is because I am not quite ready and willing to follow through.

I agonize over the fact that as a defense mechanism I have splintered into different people who are all living inside me, and sometimes I wonder if it is just too weird. But like the character in the novel, I know that Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted, those whose hearts are literally broken. According to Isaiah 61:1, “The Spirit of the LORD God is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives, and freedom to prisoners” (NAS). This is the same verse that Jesus read when he stood up in the synagogue in Nazareth one Sabbath. Then he sat down and said, “Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing” Luke 4:21 (NAS).

As I read these verses, my heart came to some understanding of what was going on inside me. My counselor and I had discussed this very issue, but somehow the novel made it more real to me. As I kept reading the story, one more thing spoke loudly to me: The main character in the book speaks directly to God Himself, and the LORD tells him, “You have been chained. You’ve hidden your heart in the dark places. But I came to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free […]. Your heart is the treasure of My Kingdom. And I have done everything to set it free. And I love you with an unfathomable, unquenchable love” (Rubart, Rooms).

Oh, to really believe that and to be totally set free from that traumatic event that happened so long ago. Oh, for the little girl in my heart who has closed herself in that corner room and is unwilling to come out to hear and believe. Freedom at last! Oh, Dear Friend, do you need to have a face-to-face encounter with that part of yourself that is still hurting? I know that that’s what I need. But I also know this: I don’t have to do it by myself, and neither do you. God will be there with us every step of the way. In fact, His Word promises that He will even go before us.

“I will go before you and make the rough places smooth; I will shatter the doors of bronze, and cut through their iron bars. And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth of secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, the LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name” Isaiah 45:2 (NAS).

What a promise! He will help me shatter the door of hiding, emerge from the corner room, and receive the treasure of a full life that has been hidden away. Then I will know Him more fully as the God Who calls me by name. Restoration. Chains broken. Freedom. Am I ready and willing? Are you?

Blessings – Lisa