Four days after my raging meltdown—the one caused by my belief that I was a disappointment to my husband—Satan attacked me again, trying to defeat me. He has had years of practice to perfect his insidious methods against those of us who want to change our lives and become more Christ-like. We had battled just four days earlier, and my victory was not yet complete. This time, his assault came with a twist.
At that season of my life, making menus and shopping for groceries were still very challenging for me. My husband had decided to lose some weight, and he had chosen a particular diet that required a rather specialized menu, heavy on protein and light on carbohydrates. At the same time, my daughter and I had become involved in a different program that advocated a diet full of fruits and vegetables. I had a dilemma. I felt caught between a steak and an ear of corn! Should I commit to the program I was already undertaking, or should I support my husband in his chosen path? I could not do both.
I decided to participate in the program that I was already following. But after just three days, I slipped up and started having meltdowns. The pressure of preparing, weighing, and measuring my husband’s special meals and then having to prepare my own meals overwhelmed me. I felt very disappointed with myself, and I felt that I must be disappointing my family also since I could not keep from having meltdowns. I started shutting down emotionally, giving in to the belief that my life was spinning out of my control. So I did what I had done many times before: I gave up on my diet and binged. I figured that, if I couldn’t stay on either of the diets, I would keep neither of them.
How did I go from Point A (trying to be faithful to a diet) to Point B (binge-eating) in such a short period of time? It was because I was trying to do it on my own strength. Thankfully, I realized that, instead, I needed to stop and rest in the Truth that God wanted me to see. He used this situation—this failure—to let me know that I am not a disappointment to Him. Jeremiah 17:5 says, “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD” (NIV). I had been trying to start this new season in my own flesh. I later discovered that, during those days of agony, there were many “I” statements in my journal. I had taken my eyes off God and was feeling helpless and invisible, and that made me vulnerable to Satan’s attack.
Jeremiah continues in verses 7-8, “But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit” (NIV).
So God wants me to trust in Him fully and for my confidence to remain wholly in His love for me. He knows my heart, and whether or not I binge never causes Him to love me any more or any less. There may be a day when God requires me to fast and pray, but this particular season was not my personal time to do so. This was my time to be strengthened, to re-learn the lesson that I am not a disappointment to God. His Truth needed to be embedded more deeply into my soul and my mind.
Today in my journal, I will write I John 5:20, “We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true by being in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life” (NIV). This season in my life will be focused on the one who is true. He will give me understanding as I walk this new path of freedom. I am not a disappointment. He who is true loves me and gave His Son so that I might have eternal life.
Is there some lesson that has not yet been ingrained in your heart and mind? Let God work on your life until you fully believe all that He wants you to know. I want to be that tree that is planted firmly and bearing fruit whether there is drought or rain. What about you? Trust in the Lord. Believe. Have confidence. Know the One who is true.
Blessings – Lisa