Category Archives: depression

Then There Was Stupid

Posted on by under depression, Dumb Stupid and Ugly, Uncategorized

Just as Dumb had attacked my emotional well-being, Stupid used similar tactics to assault my intellectual self-confidence. Dumb, Stupid, and Ugly worked closely with one another against me.

I have always loved games – playing cards or anything that has to do with words or numbers. And I was smart in school, a good student. I made good grades and was consistently at the top of my class, though I did struggle with Physical Education. (Can you hear my husband laughing?) I enjoyed school. There were some classes that were more challenging than others, of course, but, without fail, learning has brought me great joy throughout my life.

But somehow Stupid always tripped me up. As I look back now to my high-school days, I can see it so clearly. Regardless of my academic success, I would sabotage myself or otherwise defeat myself. I never even tried to pursue awards or scholarships that would have helped me continue my education beyond high school. I was in the top 10% of my graduating class at a large high school in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, but I felt stupid.

I had no plans or goals for college. Stupid froze any ambition I might have had. I did attend a commuter college for a year and took summer classes at a junior college, but then I fell in love and got married and never again pursued formal education. My husband encouraged me to take some classes, but I always made some sort of excuse.

As the years progressed, my sense of stupidness increased, especially when so many of my adult friends had college degrees and worked outside the home. Being a stay-at-home mom allowed me to dispel Stupid for a while, but he reemerged when my children were older and I began to spend more time among adults. I had not watched much television or really kept up with world events and popular culture, so I found that often I did not know what my friends were talking about. I started feeling extremely stupid again.

When I started going to counseling, fighting that ugly trio, Stupid would bombard me just as Dumb had done. I found myself rehearsing in my mind how stupid I was. “Why don’t I know this or that? Why don’t I know the words to that song? Why don’t I watch the news and know what’s going on? Why do I even associate with these people with their college degrees and important jobs?” I had to yell at Stupid to make him leave me alone. I felt like such a failure, and I was so depressed that it became a chore for me even to get up and go anywhere.

Somehow Stupid had to be eradicated from my life so I could have peace of mind. I felt as if I were going crazy. Next week I will share the showdown with Stupid, but, until then, don’t let a Stupid take control of your mind. Get help. Do not live your life believing a lie.

Blessings – Lisa

Dumb, Really?

Posted on by under depression, Dumb Stupid and Ugly, Uncategorized

Having Dumb as a part of my life was very tiresome! As he began fighting for his place in my life I knew I had to fight to rid him out of my life instead. The conflict came to head one day during counseling. I had to admit that no one is perfect and, yes, people say and do things that are mess-ups because only God is perfect. I had been writing Colossians 2:10 in my journal every day: “And in Him you are made complete” (NAS). Every day I had to say and try to believe that I could be made complete in Christ.

Then came the crucial moment. It was time for me to say, “I am not dumb.” All I had to say was, “I am not dumb.” Just those four simple words. Just say them out loud. I could not do it.

I cried and wept and hugged myself. It was horrible. Dumb was not going to leave that easily. Hadn’t he been my guide and companion for decades? Wasn’t the shame of my molestation the most glaring evidence of his role in my life? So I had to make the choice: was God’s Word real and true, or not?

Did I believe the Truth of Colossians 2:10? Yes. I did – I do – believe God’s Word. I believed, and I knew that I could be free from Dumb if I would only say those words. I relaxed the tight hug on myself (and it was a very tight hug) and said those precious words, “I AM NOT DUMB.” Oh my, what freedom came flooding into my life as a result of letting go of Dumb. There was an instant change in my life. I can honestly say that Dumb left my life that day. Though there were times when he tried to attack me again, I did not let him back in.

Dear friend, believe God’s Word is true and know that God has good plans for your life. He loves you and wants the best for you. Get rid of that Someone in your life and choose to live a free life in Christ.

Blessings – Lisa

 

Dumb – Who is He?

Posted on by under depression

Dumb, Stupid, and Ugly. This trio of accusers plagued me for many years of my life, and every aspect of my being passed through their filters. They were so real to me that I named them with capital letters and thought of them as three distinct, living beings. And each one tortured me in his own way.

But what is the difference between Dumb and Stupid? In my long relationships with Dumb, Stupid, and Ugly, the distinctions were subtle but real. Stupid had to do with intellect, but Dumb had to do with my words and actions. Whenever I messed up, whenever I was not perfect, whenever I said something off-the-wall or tripped over my own feet, Dumb appeared. Dumb was right there to accuse me.

Until I started going to counseling, I did not realize just how much Dumb was a part of my life. Dumb would whisper in my ear, “How could you have said THAT?” or, “Why did you do THAT?” Memories of certain situations where I had acted or sounded dumb haunted me constantly. While I was driving, taking a shower, cooking supper, cleaning house – you name the place – my mind would accuse me, reminding me of the dumb thing I had said or how dumb I must have looked.

I would say to myself, “I acted so dumb…,” but then, instead of thinking that I was saying and doing dumb things, I regressed to the point that I believed that I was dumb! I actually became dumb and walked around believing that I could not do anything right. I never gave myself permission to make mistakes, because mistakes were the evidence that Dumb needed to beat me down over and over.

So, as I began to wrestle with Dumb and try to extract him from my life, our battle became more intense. He kept whispering in my ear, and I heard his voice constantly. Sometimes when I was driving the thoughts would come to me and I would literally yell at them to stop. Years and years of Dumb’s evidence began to pour upon me. He did not want to let me go, so he began fighting for his place in my life.

This was a terrible time on my journey to wholeness. The only thing that kept me from going insane was going to counseling and reading God’s Word.

Next week I will share a little more about how I dealt with Dumb but until then, if you have someone or something in your life who, like Dumb, wants you to fail and wants to ruin your life, find help to get them out of your life!

Blessings – Lisa