Category Archives: Hopelessness

Journeying To A New Land

Posted on by under Anger, Counseling, Fear, Hopelessness, Uncategorized

As I walked along my journey and finally began to address my sexual issues, strong new emotions began to surface. As soon as I opened one door, the feelings that had been stuffed away for so long flooded over me. One of those emotions was anger. I was angry because I felt so alone. I felt as if I could not tell anyone else about my problems with my husband. I had a terrible secret that threatened to explode from within me. I became furious with my husband over minor infractions. For example, he was late one day when we were helping our daughter move to a new apartment, and you would have thought that he had committed a felony by the anger that washed over me. Poor guy.

As weeks passed, my anger flared up more and more often, and over the littlest things. So, again I knew I had to discern the truth about the situation. The truth was, of course, that I was not alone concerning my sexual problems. God was with me, and the knowledge of that truth was enough to help me. God gave me Psalm 37:7-9, “Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret, it leads only to evildoing, for evildoers will be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD, they will inherit the land” (NAS).

Satan certainly wanted to carry out evil schemes against me, but I was commanded to rest in the Lord and not to fret. I had to release my anger because anger only leads to evildoing. As a result of letting my anger go, I would inherit a new land, and this new land is my marriage. God had promised me that my marriage would be restored. I chose to believe God’s word and to be patient in the work that He was doing in my life.

Another of the emotions that attacked me was hopelessness. I did not feel as if I were changing fast enough. In fact, I did not feel that I would ever really change. Again, I had to look at the truth of the situation, the truth that my marriage could be restored and that God can work miracles. I cried out to God to help me believe this truth and soon began to feel peace and hope. In Psalm 37 I found another promise. Verses 10-11 say, “Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more; and you will look carefully for his place, and he will not be there. But the humble will inherit the land, and will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.” Abundant prosperity—that was what I was going to hope for. Then one day I would be able to look back and see that my hopelessness had been replaced by healing and wholeness. What a promise to cling to in my time of need!

Along with anger and hopelessness, I also experienced fear during this period of my journey, especially fear of making decisions. For some reason, I started feeling as if whatever I said or did had no value. I felt voiceless and worthless. I felt bad about myself, caught in that never-ending cycle of negativity. Would it ever end? As I discussed my predicament in counseling, I was given a new assignment: to be more assertive about what I really wanted to do in my life. That assignment was more difficult than it sounds, because I realized that I really did not know what I liked or what I wanted. I had to figure out what was important and meaningful to me. Over the years, I had retreated so much into myself that I had become a non-person without likes or desires. So this assignment turned into an adventure.

In Psalm 37:23-24, the Psalmist says, “The steps of a man are established by the LORD; and He delights in his way. When he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong; because the LORD is the One who holds his hand.” With these verses, the Lord assured me that he delighted in me, and that I was a person with meaning and purpose in my life. If I did stumble, He was there to hold my hand and lead me in the way I was to walk. Oh, how I needed to hear that word. I chose again to believe the truth, that I am a person of worth.

What truths do you need to claim? Satan wants to steal, kill, and destroy your life, but God wants to give you a new land, abundant prosperity, and meaning and purpose to your life. Give Him those hurtful emotions and believe with me that there is hope, hope for a new life that is blessed and happy. Believe. Let’s take God’s hand and walk with Him in the delightful way He has for us.

Blessings – Lisa

I Am New

Posted on by under depression, Hope, Hopelessness, Uncategorized

In Christ alone we can all be made new. For some of us, the transformation seems to come so easily. But for others of us, God uses hurtful, heart-wrenching times of struggle to speak to our lives. I find myself in the second category. I have believed and loved God’s Word since I was a child, but some of the concepts and promises of the Bible were just words on paper to me. I believed them, but they weren’t ingrained in my heart yet.

Oh, how much God loves us and works in our lives to bring us closer to him. Once, I had a chance to go on a trip to a city that I had never visited before—Chicago. This was a trip that I could have gone on with my dear, sweet husband. It would have been a great time, but I chose not to go. I chose not to go because I felt unlovable. You see, my sexual abuse not only affected how I felt about myself, but it was also affecting my relationship with my husband. I had shut down emotionally. I did not want to feel this way, but my emotional withdrawal had such a devastating stronghold on my life.

So I stayed home, and he went alone on this trip to a new and exciting place. I was home alone because I hated myself. I started feeling trapped and cheated. In fact, I started hating myself even more. My journal became filled with entries of how much I hated myself. I detested the way I felt, but I couldn’t find any relief or an answer. One of my journal entries ended with the passage, “I hate being defective.” You see, that is how I felt about myself. I was defective, I was not whole, I was not normal, I would never be free again, I was trapped. How those thoughts plagued me over and over.

I wept and wept. I called my husband and begged for forgiveness, and I wept some more. The pain just would not leave me. Later that night, lying on the couch alone, in the stillness and quiet of my empty house, I begged God for a word. Once again, God spoke to me and encouraged me. How thankful I am for His Patience and Love for me! As before, He used a song to speak to me. In his song “I Am New,” Jason Gray writes about living in the “shadows of shame” and not believing that there is a possibility of ever being able to change. That is exactly how I felt, as if this shamefulness was going to be my companion forever. Then in the lyrics I discovered a very important word: the word BUT. But God does not see me as I see myself!

Oh, what joy to know that God does not see me the way that I see myself. God sees me in a different way because He sees me as a new creation in Christ, accepted by Him even when I can not accept myself.  One day I am going to be totally made brand new. But in reality I don’t have to wait. I can claim all of those promises now. Oh, how I needed to know that. How I desperately needed to claim all those promises in my heart, and to rest in that assurance. Thank you again, God, for reminding me of who I am in you.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (NIV). Are you feeling defective? Do you feel as if the ick inside of you will never completely leave you? Do you ever just hate who you are? Have you ever sabotaged your life because you felt unloved? Here are the promises I have for you: You are forgiven, you are Beloved, you are made in the Image of Christ Himself, you are Righteous and Holy, you are Reborn and Remade, you are Accepted and Worthy, and you are all of those things NOW. Let’s ingrain those truths in our hearts today. And let’s remember how God sees us when He looks at us—new, loved, and remade.

Blessings – Lisa

Life on the Other Side

Posted on by under Counseling, depression, disassociation, Faithfulness, Hope, Hopelessness, Uncategorized

My life took a new direction when my anger and other negative emotions began to come out into the open. I began having a hard time dealing with everyday activities. I cried a lot and had trouble making decisions. New phobias appeared, to take the place of the ones God had removed from my life. I started retreating from life. I gave up most activities and resigned from my positions at church. But I turned to my counselor, and she gave me permission to give myself some space.

Other traumas were happening in my life at the same time, and the combination of them all was just too much for me to handle. I’m not saying that going to counseling means locking yourself up in your house, but everyone has her own path to walk for healing. For me personally, I had to step down from some leadership positions because I was not capable of performing them at that time. People at church started noticing that I was different, even though I thought I looked and acted the same as always. People could tell. Thankfully, my “safe” friends loved and encouraged me through it all without having to know what was going on. I needed this time apart to heal and to learn the truth so God could transform my life.

Different books and devotions ministered to me mightily during this dark time. One devotion in particular centered on a time of taking away. That is, God takes something away for a time so that He can give something new instead. In my own life, my daughter was growing away from me, my husband had a new job in another city, and my job had been taken away from me. We were putting our house on the market because we were going to move away from our loved and cherished town and I was removing myself from the jobs at church that I had treasured for so long. Wow. That was a lot of taking-aways. No wonder I could not function: I was on overload.

Where is this leading, Oh God? I cannot see what You are trying to do in my life. Please show me!

Then God gave me a book that painted a great picture for me. That book is Malchus by W. G. Griffiths. Through it, God revealed the hopelessness of the onlookers at the crucifixion, the despair they felt because at that time they did not know the TRUTH. They did not know that they were being set free. They saw one side of the cross, and they thought that that was the end of it. They could not even imagine what was on the other side.

All of my takings-aways had brought me great despair, but the truth was that God was using all of those things to change my heart. He was using those things to heal me. In John 10:10 Jesus says, “The thief comes only to steal, and kill and destroy; I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly” (NAS). God did not kill, steal, or destroy any of those things that He took away from me. He was taking away so that He could replace all those things, fill my life so that I could live more abundantly. I had been just like those who looked at the cross and saw only hopelessness and despair. But, Oh, how their lives were changed when they learned the TRUTH. On the other side of the cross came the resurrection and new life–a more abundant and free life.

Has God taken something away from you, and you are spiraling down in despair? Do you see only hopelessness and agony? Are you having trouble just going through the motions of life because it is filled with so much pain? I am here to tell you this: There is a more abundant life awaiting you on the other side of this painful time. Jesus Christ gave His life for you because He wants you to have a free, victorious, and abundant life. Let God have His way as He takes away and gives. Believe the TRUTH. Believe that you can be whole. Believe that one day life will be good and you will be able to smile again. There is life on the other side. And it is good. I am believing it.

Blessings – Lisa

This Mountain is Huge, But One Day I Will Walk Over It

Posted on by under Counseling, depression, disassociation, Hope, Hopelessness, Uncategorized

As I write this, I have been going to counseling for quite a few months, but there seem to be more bad days than good ones. I feel as if my life is full of mountains right now. My issues seem so huge to me. I am up and down, angry and sad, fearful and confident–all at the same time. I have worked through resentments, negative feelings, anger, rage, disappointments, hurts. I have had so many victories, but that mountain still looks so massive.

Do light and peace wait for me on the other side of the mountain? All I can see today are rocks, boulders, and snow-capped peaks that I must dig through and climb over. What wisdom is in God’s Word for me today? I don’t hear anything. Even the Word is silent in my heart. I’ve searched for verses on mountains, but nothing speaks to me today.

All I can see is the mountain. I am that little girl again, and I cannot find my way. Where do I begin? So much is coming at me at one time. So, I sit still. I ask for God’s presence. And then it happens: I find relief in God’s Word.

He sent from on high, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy from those who hated me, for they were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the LORD was my support. He also brought me forth into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me. (II Samuel 22:17-20, NAS)

These words hold multiple meanings for me. They speak of my abuse. God will deliver me from my strong enemy, my abuser of long ago who had hated me and hurt me at a time when I was weak and vulnerable. And now–today–God is my support and will rescue me from myself as I seek help. He Himself will take me, draw me out, and rescue me. And those precious, precious words: “He delights in me.” Oh, what wonderful words to hide in my heart and believe! I need to know that Someone delights in me.

But His Word doesn’t stop there. Verses 31-39 continue,

As for God, His way is blameless; the Word of the LORD is tested; He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him. For who is God, besides the LORD? And who is a rock, besides our God? God is my strong fortress; and He sets the blameless in His way. He makes my feet like hinds’ feet, and sets me on my high places. He trains my hands for battle, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.You have also given me the shield of Your salvation, and Your help makes me great. You enlarge my steps under me, and my feet have not slipped. I pursued my enemies and destroyed them, and I did not turn back until they were consumed. And I have devoured them and shattered them, so that they did not rise; and they fell under my feet.

Here is the answer to my mountain. God will set me upon that mountain and, with His help, I will fight and defeat my enemies. Did you see the promise? They will be destroyed, consumed, devoured, and shattered. Those enemies who are looming over me like a huge mountain will not rise, but will fall under my feet. But I have to take that first step.

God promises to enlarge my steps under me and to give me hinds’ feet so that I will not slip on the mountain. I still have to do the work, one step at a time, to move that mountain, one rock at a time. One rock at a time, one thought at a time, one act of forgiveness at a time, one memory at a time, one open door at a time, one phobia at a time, one hurt at a time. These are the rocks that have to be removed from that mountain, and God promises that, because He delights in me, He will help me. Oh, what joy!

How about you? Do you have a mountain before you? Do you feel small and helpless, overwhelmed by the work before you? Has the enemy convinced you that you will never be rescued? Well, let me tell you now with confidence that your enemy will be defeated, destroyed, and shattered.

Believe it. One day that mountain will be removed. Come with me; let’s tear down that mountain one rock at a time because, you see, our God delights in us! He wants to set us up on high places. He is our strong fortress. He Himself came from on high just to deliver us from the enemy. He delights in me, and He delights in you. Let’s get rid of that mountain. Let’s take the first step today and start moving those rocks.

Blessings – Lisa

 

 

 

 

Blackness

Posted on by under depression, disassociation, Dumb Stupid and Ugly, Hopelessness, Hurting Self, Uncategorized

During the darkest days when Dumb, Stupid, and Ugly still controlled my life, I felt so black. I felt weird and different. I felt as if no one could possibly understand what was going on with me. Had any of my friends ever felt like stabbing herself with a knife? And how could I even ask someone that question?

When my life was the blackest, I really struggled with these thoughts. Whenever I was in the kitchen with a knife in my hand, I had strong urges to stab myself. One time I just dropped the knife, and it cut my leg. Another urge I had to fight was the impulse to stick my hand down the garbage disposal and turn it on. I knew these were not normal thoughts, and I was afraid to tell anyone about them. These impulses were very compelling but, because of God’s providence, I never gave in to them.

In my counseling sessions, I learned that these destructive desires are normal for people who have experienced sexual trauma. Maybe my friends and family would never understand or know what I was going through, but there are other women out there who will nod their heads and understand completely. But the blackness was still with me. I felt tarnished and stained and ugly and useless. The early months of my counseling sessions were difficult because blackness had such a grip on my life. I had already lost hope, and my recovery seemed to be coming so slowly. I cried out to God for an understanding about what was happening in my life.

Then God showed me a great truth. As my husband and I were preparing to sell our house, I was going through the cabinets and purging because I knew we were going to have to downsize. I found a pair of silver candlesticks at the back of a cabinet. I knew they were silver because I remembered receiving them as a wedding gift, but when I found them again they were black with tarnish. So I went to the store, bought some silver polish, and began to clean them. It was hard work! I polished and cleaned, and got black all over my hands and polishing cloths. But my reward was a beautiful pair of gleaming silver candlesticks.

God spoke to my heart. He told me that I was one of those candlesticks, and that He Himself would lovingly polish the black from my life. It would be hard work because, just like those candlesticks that had been hidden away at the back of a cabinet for years, my life had acquired years and years of blackness. The process would take time.

But, when the time came, I would be polished and beautiful and useful. What joy! What comfort! The Creator Himself wanted to get His hands dirty to polish my black heart. Proverbs 2:3-5 says, “For if you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding; if you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will discern the fear of the LORD, and discover the knowledge of God” (NAS).

Friend, He wants to do the same for you. Let Him do it. It will not be instantaneous; it will be hard. But, oh, to know that our lives will one day give joy to others! Give Him your black heart today. Give Him all those hurtful things that you have hidden away from the world. No one else may understand, but He does. Cry out to Him and you will discover the understanding He has for you. Let’s be those silver candlesticks together, shining with a bright light to give Hope to those around us who need healing. Let Him start today.

Blessings – Lisa

Hopelessness to Faithfulness

Posted on by under depression, disassociation, Faithfulness, Fear, Hopelessness, Uncategorized

When I first started my counseling, I struggled with feelings of hopelessness. For a month, my journal was filled day after day with my questioning whether God could really help me, one day crying out to God how much I wanted change and the next drowning in utter despair. I was on such a roller coaster ride. I just kept praying to God that I wanted more from life. I wanted to leave my past behind and move forward. I wanted an abundant life, a life without fear, a life with dreams, a life of victory, a life without defeat.

God, please show me a sign. Give me some sort of hope. I just can’t seem to see it clearly yet.

God answered my pleading in a way that only He could orchestrate. One night while lying in bed, I felt God saying to my heart that He wanted me to give my tithing testimony in church.

What? What does that mean, God? My tithing testimony? What is that?

He took me back to my journal, where I had pleaded with God that I would surrender and do whatever it took to move forward. This was the next step. I had to make a choice: believe and do what He asked, or not do anything and stop the plan God had for my healing. So I started writing everything I knew about my tithing, starting with how my parents taught me to tithe as a child. Then I moved on to my first job and tithing, my marriage and tithing, and on and on. I wrote and rewrote until I had a testimony to share in church.

As I worked on my testimony, God showed me how, through the ups and downs of our money struggles, rearing children and now helping our grown children with their own financial struggles, God had been Faithful. That was the real message He had for me–His Faithfulness! And I had it all chronicled in front of me. There was the evidence in black and white, ready to be given in front of my church family. God had been Faithful for over forty years. Couldn’t I trust Him now?

Matthew 4:18-20 says, “And walking by the Sea of Galilee, He saw two brothers, Simon who was called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea; for they were fishermen. And He said to them, ‘Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.’ And they immediately left the nets, and followed Him” (NAS).

God was saying to me, “Dear, precious child, I want you to drop the net of your past and move forward to what I have for you! Drop those feelings of hopelessness, despair, fear, and defeat and move on now with Me. Now. Don’t wait. The evidence is before you. Give your testimony and then walk forward.”

What testimony do you have of God’s Faithfulness in your life? Ask God to show you His Faithfulness so that you can hold it before your face and believe and move on. The enemy wants you to have hopelessness, despair, fear, and defeat. God wants you to drop the net and leave it all behind. Friend, move forward, drop that net, take His hand, and walk with Him now as He leads you to freedom and victory.

Blessings – Lisa