For many years, I have been looking for a picture of a tree to hang in my dining room—not just any tree, but a specific image that I have in mind. It has to be a leafless tree, a large tree standing alone in the middle of a hazy winter day, an image that fills most of the space within the frame. Every time I visit a shop that sells prints, I look for my tree, but for the longest time I could not find the exact picture that I have conjured in my mind. But today I did find just the image for which I have been searching. I found my tree in the music video for the song “Worn” by Tenth Avenue North. There it stood, leafless, alone, on a sunless day.
As I watched the video and listened to the words of the song, I began to understand why this lonely tree held some meaning for me. My counselor has diagnosed me with Dissociative Identity Disorder, a condition formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This diagnosis has been difficult for me to grasp, to understand what it really means. Through counseling, however, I have come to realize that there are different parts within me that are making my walk to wholeness more challenging. As my counseling sessions have progressed, I have come to understand that my child’s mind could not process what had happened to me, so in response my personality “splintered” for my protection. But I have begun to work through this issue and I feel happier and literally more at one with myself. I am happier and freer, but there is still a black spot inside me that is numb and emotionless.
This brings me back to the “Worn” video. As I looked at the tree in the video, I realized that it looks exactly like what my black place feels like. For an instant in the video, the tree is surrounded by a black mist that bubbles and whirls, reminding me even more of the dark entity that is inside me. The black mist is visible for only a moment, before being dispelled by the sun, but I see it clearly in that brief time. I have watched the video over and over, and I see that black mist every time.
The song lyrics have also spoken to me:
I’m tired, I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes […]
Let me know the struggle ends
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Last Sunday our pastor preached on I Thessalonians 1:3: “Constantly bearing in mind your work of faith and labor of love and steadfastness of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ in the presence of our God and Father” (NASB). I heard God speak to me through the words of the song and the scripture. I have been feeling heavy of heart from the work it is taking for me to become a whole person. It is a struggle. But God’s Word says that our past work and our present labor will result in a Hope because of our steadfastness!
The song lyrics ask for God’s assurance that a song can rise and that what is dead inside can be reborn. That is my plea also, that one day that tall leafless tree standing in the middle of winter will be transformed like the one in the video, soaking up the bright light of the sun and full of glorious green leaves. Isn’t that a wonderful picture to behold? Through our hard work and steadfastness, we have the Hope of a whole life. Do not grow weary. Do not be worn. One day we will be made whole, if not on earth then in heaven, where we will be in the presence of our God and Father.
Blessings – Lisa