I have not shared anything in a long while but for some reason I just couldn’t make myself write. Once I got the blog up and running I felt afraid to actually write something! After more counseling and more healing I think I can start sharing. So here it goes!
Pain – no one likes to deal with it and I am no exception. People use food, drugs, alcohol, recreation, or whatever else to numb the pain in their lives. The way that I numbed the pain was by forgetting it ever happened. The abused child in me chose to forget the memory of my molestation completely and stuffed it away into the farthest corner of my being. I lived for years and years with all that pain locked up inside me. What I did not realize at the time, though, was that the pain had taken command of my life in so many ways. The pain had a life of its own, and it wanted to come out into the open and confront me. The pain dared me to meet it face-to-face. Instead, I stuffed it away again and numbed myself to any and all feelings.
But the pain continued to affect my marriage and the rearing of my children. It nurtured my choosing some harmful codependent relationships. It made me try to be perfect in my housekeeping, as well as in everything that I did. I had to do, do, do all the time, because if I stopped doing then the pain might resurface and I would have to deal with it. The pain effectively became a living creature inside me, a monster with its own life and its own agenda. It wanted to kill me. Eventually, my life became a train wreck and I entered a deep depression.
For me, that depression was my wake-up call that I needed help. And I started going to counseling. I am so glad that I did!
I think this is a good place to stop. I could probably write for hours upon hours but instead I am going to stop and pick up my story next time I blog. The thought that I want to leave with you is this, if you are in pain, do not numb it because it will find a way to live a life of its own. Work through it. Get help. Share with a trusted friend or counselor.
Blessings – Lisa