Bye-Bye Relapse, It’s Time To Renew Instead

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As God pulled me out of my relapse, He showed me that I must believe His Truth and claim the peace of mind that only He can give. But my other issue, obsessive negative thinking, had taken control of my life. I had struggled with this problem before, and I thought I had defeated it, but here it was again. In my mind, certain negative thoughts and situations played over and over again, like a broken record. But I did not want to go there again. I wanted to banish the obsessive thoughts and regain peace of mind.

I tried to remember how I had combated this obsessive negative thinking before. During my relapse, I had coincidentally been thrown out of my routine by family matters and had been too distracted and disorganized to follow my usual habits of quiet time and prayer. But then one morning, I had just had enough suffering and pain, so I made myself sit down and have a devotion time. I had finally remembered how to fight those recurring negative thoughts. I needed time with God.

When I gave Him the chance, God spoke to me in a very dramatic and providential way. My devotion book at that time was His Thoughts Toward Me by Marie Chapian. In one particular devotion, the author shared some thoughts that reminded me of how I had battled obsessive negative thinking in the past.

The Scripture reference for this devotion was Philippians 4:6-8. Of course! Those were exactly the same verses I had read and embraced when I had faced this problem before. I looked back in my journal and—guess what—there they were. I was reminded that I can never control what others do but I can choose to believe that God is in control. I have to believe that He will finish what He has started in my life as well as what He has started in the lives of others. I have to yield every thought to Him so that I can truly have peace of mind as I wait on God’s time table.

Philippians 4:8 commands me to control my thoughts. “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (NIV). So that is what I did.

On a piece of paper, I listed all eight attributes that God was instructing me to think about. Next to each attribute, I wrote a positive personal reminder about the loved one who was causing me so much suffering. Then I posted that list where I could see it every day, and I read and reread it for weeks. I actively practiced filling my mind with what was true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.

Friend, come journey with me. Let us fill our minds with Philippians 4:8 and not with the cruel effects of this hostile world or with the evils and injustices of life. The enemy wants to defeat us through our obsessing over past hurts and situations, and he wants us to believe that we are not safe, that life is drifting uncontrollably. Dear friend, we are not going to fall into that trap again!

Instead, let us fall into the Savior’s arms. We are going to think good things. We are going to let God take control of those situations that threaten us. Let’s make that list of affirmations today. Let’s look at it and read it and believe it. Today, let’s change that ugly word relapse into the beautiful word renew. What about you? Is there a situation that you need to renew? Do it today. God is in control, and He can handle it. Give it to Him today, and live in freedom.

Standing On The Edge Of A Decision

Posted on by under depression, Forgiveness, Uncategorized

Relapse. Slipping. Falling. An unexpected phone call had thrown me for a loop. I suddenly felt myself falling back down into the dark abyss of depression that had so long held me captive. Those bad thoughts that I had let control my life during the dark days wanted to take over my life again. When the phone call came, I was in my car, six hours away from home. I had six hours in the car by myself to mull this thing over.

I cried, yelled a little, and began questioning my ability to forgive. But God, in His infinite mercy, with His impeccable timing, began to speak to me in a number of ways during the long drive home. First, I found a Christian radio station and started singing along, and began to calm down. Then the music was interrupted by a short devotion about bitterness and forgiveness. Miles later, on a different Christian music station, another short devotion came on the air and—guess what—it, too, was about bitterness and forgiveness.

Okay, God, I am listening. You have my undivided attention. I know that I need to really forgive and to let the past rest in itself.

Today is the day to move on and, if need be, to forgive again. Feelings are so false and deceiving at times. I could hear my counselor asking, “What is the Truth?” The Truth is what I am to live by, not those misleading emotions. We must believe the Truth and choose to forgive, and eventually the right feelings will take residence in our hearts.

Then a song by Casting Crowns called “East to West” came on the radio. The lyrics spoke to me in a deep and meaningful way. In my relapse, I was drowning because I had fallen and had forgotten the Truth of what I had done, the forgiveness I had bestowed in the past. I had allowed the chains of yesterday to surround me again and to close my heart to forgiveness. I needed peace and rest, because I was not at peace. I felt only dread and hurt and pain. But I did not want to end up where I had been a year ago, at the beginning of my deep depression journey.

Those false thoughts swirled in my mind, keeping me anxious, and I knew that sleep would not come easily that night if I did not give them back over to God. The Truth is that I had already confessed my unforgiveness and that God had cast my sin far, far away. I knew I must cling to that Truth, but I felt myself standing on the edge. My choice would make all the difference.

My choice—either to relapse and fall back into the pit, or to forgive and remember the freedom in which I had been living for the last few months. As I pondered my decision, the lyrics of the song came back into my mind, and I remembered Philippians 4:4-7:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (NIV).

The peace of God—that is what I wanted! I wanted my heart and my mind to be guarded, but I could not do it on my own. I could only do it with God’s help and with His Word. I had to give this situation over to God and believe that He is near, no matter what may happen in the future.

Another thing that I heard from the song was that God had taken my sins as far as the east is from the west. I realized that I had to extend that same grace and mercy to this situation in my life. I had to forgive, because the price for my own sins had been paid by the scars on His hands. How could I do less?

Are you standing on the edge of some decision, in danger of relapsing and falling back into the sea of forgetfulness? Are you going to let those chains of yesterday surround you again and take away your peace and rest? Do not take that step! Stop! Turn around now and run to the Truth of God’s Word. Forgive, and let Him guard your heart and mind. It may be difficult, but I believe in you. More importantly, God believes in you, too. Let us choose to live in freedom today. Come with me now. I need your help.

Relapse – But Wait, I Can Overcome!

Posted on by under Counseling, Forgiveness, Uncategorized

There is one topic that I had hoped never to have to write about: relapse. I have had such victories in my life, and I have been reminded of them as I write these posts. These personal revelations have been such a testimony of what God is doing in my life! I have come so far. Dumb, Stupid, and Ugly have been laid to rest, I have worked through many fears and phobias, and I have really dealt with issues of forgiveness and bitterness. But this week, I suffered a relapse along my path to healing and health. Life was cruising along, and then it happened: a relapse.

As I have mentioned in previous accounts, I have had to forgive some people for some hurtful situations in my life and in the lives of my loved ones. I have written letters to the offenders, dated the letters, and filed them in a place where I could be reminded that I had let go of that situation and, so, laid it to rest. At least, that is what I thought I had done. But God knows our hearts. He is always working on us so that we can be approved, tried, and tested, so that one day we can stand before Him and say that we have finished our course and finished it well.

Well, one particular situation—one particular person—that I thought I had given completely to God and that I would never have to face again suddenly reappeared in my life. (How easy it is to forgive someone, knowing that he is out of your life and out of your hands.) But one day, out of the blue and entirely unexpected, a person I had forgiven and put away slipped back into my life. Let’s just say my reaction to the news was horrible.

I relapsed into a former emotional state immediately. I started crying uncontrollably, feeling those old feelings of hurt and anger. Bad feelings overwhelmed me. But wait a minute. Hadn’t I already forgiven and moved on? What was happening? Had I really forgiven? I just kept beating myself up. A situation that I had written about only weeks earlier was now crashing mercilessly around me. What was happening?

I was so out of whack that I stopped and called my counselor for help. She reminded me about what I had written on this topic, and she reminded me that the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy. I had fallen for the enemy’s tactic again. But this time I was not going to stay under his control. I would remember the Truth. I would go to the same Scriptures that I had leaned on before.

The Truth is this: Yes, I had forgiven, but now I needed to make the choice to forgive again. I had to give the situation to God again and continue to believe all the promises that He had been showing me. I must rest in Him again and always.

God spoke to me through the next Sunday’s sermon, a lesson about having victories in our lives and finishing the job God had given us to do. 1 John 5:4 says this: “For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith” (NAS). Our victory comes not from what we say but from what we do. It comes from finishing the race. According to Revelation 21:7, “He who overcomes shall inherit these things, and I will be his God and he will be my son” (NAS). Every day God tests me and tries me so that I can be true, so that I can inherit all the things that He has promised. So I must walk one day at a time with my forgiveness and bitterness, and I must be diligent so that I can be an overcomer.

Have you had a relapse into a former state of mind and spirit? Have you fallen or slipped? Stop now! Confess it to God, recall the past victories, move forward daily, forgive, pray for your enemies, read the Scriptures, and pray for strength to be an overcomer. I messed up this week. It happens, but I want to be an overcomer. Do you? If so, then let’s cry, weep if we must, get over it, and move on. God is waiting to give you your inheritance and to say, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You finished the job well.”

Blessings – Lisa

Peace Of Mind, Even In Stressful Situations

Posted on by under Counseling, Fear, Happy Thoughts, Uncategorized

Mother knows best. My mother taught me that there are some things in life that have to be done annually. Every year I get my teeth cleaned and my eyes checked. And I have taught my children—and my husband—to do the same thing, too. I read somewhere that having all these annual appointments during the same month of the year, your birthday month, allows you always to know when to go. So when your children are grown and on their own, they can always remember when to get their teeth cleaned and their eyes checked.

For me, of course, these annual appointments also include the dreaded obstetrical appointment. Every year, during my birthday month, I go for my annual exam. Like many women, I really despise my yearly checkup. Then, as I got older, the annual mammogram was thrown into the mix. I have never been able to make myself self-examine my breasts, probably because of residual effects of my abuse. I have read about the benefits of doing monthly self-exams, and I know in theory how to do them, but I just cannot.

At some point, I became aware that my stress level during this month of annual doctors’ visits was increasing. In particular, I realized that as the doctors’ appointments approached I would start binge-eating and often gain several pounds just in time for my annual weigh-in. Over the course of several years, I discovered that my weight-gains followed a cycle. The anticipation of my annual physical was so traumatic for me that I would just go to pieces over it. I had friends go with me for support, and for a while I stopped getting mammograms altogether.

Then I started going to counseling. When the time came for me to schedule my yearly appointments, I really wanted things to be different. I did not want to binge or have a breakdown. I wanted to be calm and peaceful. I hated that my birthday month had become an unhappy time every year. So I brought up my problem to my counselor and she reminded me (again) that my abuse was something awful that had been done to me and not something that I had brought onto myself. She also reminded me that these annual doctors’ visits benefit my health, not only for my sake but for my husband’s and children’s sakes as well.

About a week before my annual checkup, my counselor taught me a “safe place” relaxation technique. As I went into my appointment, I was to go to my safe place and relax. I was actually excited about the prospect of going to the obstetrician, using my new relaxation skill, and then reporting back the next week during counseling. I am here to tell you that God worked in a mighty way! My exam went great, the best ever! And the next thing I knew, I was even through with my mammogram. It was unbelievable that I got through both appointments in only two hours. It happened so fast that I just sat in my car afterwards, stunned and in awe of God’s goodness and timing. These annual checkups that had caused me so much anguish for so many years had just flown by.

So, I am here to encourage you today. Do you struggle with this same issue? Do you need peace of mind? John 14:27 says, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (NIV). God can give you peace of mind, and God will give you peace of mind. You just have to remember, as I have to remember, that although something evil was done to us we can move past that and not let it influence our lives today. Grab God’s hand, go with Him to that safe place, and enjoy peace of mind.

Blessings – Lisa

I Needed Some Answers, And I Found Some!

Posted on by under Counseling, Fear, Uncategorized

Grocery shopping—going solo—became the focus of my counseling sessions. Somehow my fear of the grocery store was tied to my abusive childhood, and I knew I needed answers. My memories of that time were just bits and pieces, but they all involved the family that lived next door to us. The house next door, that horrible place where hurtful things had happened to me, was at the core of my phobia. But all I could remember was that my mother had dropped me off with the neighbors because my brother was terribly sick and had to go to the hospital.

My counselor suggested that I find old photos of myself, taken around the time that the abuse happened. I was able to find two pictures; I liked one but I hated the other. The photo of the younger me was cute, but the picture of the older me gave me strange, disquieting feelings. My counselor also wanted me to sketch whatever I could remember from that time period that pertained to the grocery store. It took me a week, but finally I was able to draw a couple of pictures. One drawing depicted a happy mom (my mom) and a smiling baby (my brother?) having a fun outing in the produce section of a bright, colorful grocery store. But the other drawing showed only a sad little girl (me) crying in the parking lot outside the store. I decided to visit my mother so that maybe she could shed some light on what those sketches really meant.

I made a weekend trip to my mom’s, hoping for an explanation of this mystery. I was very surprised by what she told me. She told me that my two drawings probably represented memories from our two different homes while we lived in that city. While we lived in the first home, my mom babysat, and one of our favorite pastimes was grocery shopping, especially in the produce department. That explained my cheerful, happy drawing. However, after we moved to our second home, next-door to the house where my molestation took place, my mom would occasionally drop me off with the neighbors for a play-date while she ran errands. I was dumbfounded. All my life, I thought Mom had left me next-door because of an emergency, not for a play-date. The little girl in me must have made up the story about why my mother had left me with the neighbors because it was the only way I could cope with the trauma of what had happened to me there. As it turns out, the neighbors would also take me to the grocery store while I was in their care. No happy memories there.

My weekend with Mom, discovering the errors and filling the gaps of some of my memories, was a very emotional time for both of us. She never knew about the abuse while it was going on, but she shared with me that weekend that she soon stopped taking me next-door for visits because she started having some vaguely bad feelings about the family. And then we moved to a new house in a new city. That is where my childhood memories begin, with the new house. I was eight years old, but I have no clear memories of any time before then. While my mom and I fellowshipped that weekend, we cried and we worked through our feelings and we found closure. She even promised me—promised the hurting little girl in me—that I would never have to go to that house again. Never. I am safe.

Psalm 91:1-2 has always been a favorite promise of mine. It says, “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust’” (NIV). Yes, now I can rest in the safety of my God. I can trust Him. I can go to the grocery store and not be afraid because He is my refuge.

How about you? Is there some phobia that seems strange and unbelievable, yet is holding you back in life? Do not fear; instead, rest in the shadow of the Almighty. Just His shadow is enough to help you make it through your trying time! Then you, too, can say with confidence, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Come with me. Let’s rest in His shadow. Let’s move away from that phobia and live free from fear because we can trust God to help us. Let’s dwell with Him in His shelter today.

Blessings – Lisa

Friends – We Need Them!

Posted on by under Uncategorized

I experienced victories as I purged Dumb, Stupid, and Ugly, bitterness, and an unforgiving heart from my life. But as those enemies disappeared, others jumped in and took control of my mind. In particular, I developed an intense phobia of going to the grocery store. Can you imagine not being able to shop for food for your family? Through the years, I had never enjoyed going to the grocery store by myself, but as a mom I had always conveniently had a child to go with me. So I was never really alone as I shopped. But now, my children were all grown and gone, and my husband was working in another city, and there was no one to go with me to the store.

So I just did not go. It was just impossible for me to go into the grocery store. Luckily, I could lunch with friends, and when my husband was home he would pick up a few things for us. But that could not go on forever. One day, I found that the only thing left in the pantry was tuna. For days, I ate only tuna, straight out of the can. I knew I needed to replenish my pantry and freezer, but I just could not make myself go. I became depressed. I reached my lowest point when the day came that I opened my refrigerator and my freezer and realized that there was literally no food in either place.

I knew that I needed help. I made up my mind to write a grocery list and go shopping. First, though, I decided to make up menus for each day of the week to help me with my list. I made headings: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Monday? Check. Tuesday? Check. And that’s where I stopped. The other days of the week remained blank. I looked at my totally empty refrigerator and freezer, and they looked back at me. I even took a picture of that emptiness with my phone. I wanted to tell someone, but I was afraid. Finally, I did show someone the picture of my empty refrigerator, and her unsympathetic response was, “Good grief.” I felt so ashamed and just wanted to run away.

I desperately wanted and needed to go to the grocery store, and I just couldn’t understand why it was such a difficult thing for me. So I told another friend. Thankfully, this friend came straight to my house, scooped me up, and took me to the store. It was not a pretty sight. I could not go into the store. My friend let me sit in her car and cry for a little while. Finally, we got out of the car and walked toward the entrance. But I had to stop and cry some more. I was so ashamed, so embarrassed. Luckily, my friend did not care how much I cried. She just waited and encouraged me and gradually drew me into the store. We walked up and down the aisles—and she pretended that she needed some groceries, too—and I collected a few items to help me make it until the end of the week. It was difficult, but I survived the ordeal and discovered that I was enjoying being out with my friend. She was and still is a true friend, a safe friend who will never give away my shameful secret or treat me as if I were crazy.

This friend acted out Ecclesiastes 4:9-10: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (NIV). My counseling, my phobias, my struggles, and my past were not things that I wanted to share with anyone. I felt ashamed and weird, but at last I realized that the enemy was trying to keep me isolated and defeated. I really needed someone to “help me up,” and God sent me someone to help.

Are you struggling with something that you are ashamed for your friends to discover? Is there something with which you need help but you are too afraid to ask for it? Sexual abuse and its effects are certainly private issues, but there are times when we need someone to help us. Sharing your problems with another person is a risk, but it is a risk worth taking. Remember, God tells us in His word that “two are better than one.” Pray, and ask God to send someone into your life to help you in your time of need. He will do it. Believe. Take the risk. Allow someone to take your hand because someday God may call on you to be the helping hand for another.

Friends—we all need them.

Blessings – Lisa

A Time For Rest

Posted on by under Uncategorized

My next assignment on my journey to wholeness was to read the book The Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan B. Allender which deals with childhood sexual abuse and the need to work through the pain, no matter what it takes to find healing. As I started reading, a passage spoke to me. It talked about honoring God and that the best way to honor God was to choose to change. I wanted to change, because I wanted to honor God and what He has planned for my life.

At this time I also added a new verse to the list that I wrote in my journal every day. Hebrews 4:16 says, “Let us therefore draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and may find grace to help in time of need” (NAS). I knew that I was going to have to find grace and mercy in my time of need as I read further in the book.

As I read further, I came across the revelation that God is committed to my complete healing and, because He is, He can use any situation or hard time I have endured in His wisdom to bring great joy and fulfillment to my life. When I read that passage, I prayed then and there for God to use all that had happened to me so that I could find that fulfillment and joy.

But I still struggled with repressed memories of what had happened to me, so how could God use “all that had happened” if I could not remember it all myself? Why couldn’t I remember everything from my childhood? During the next few days after making the decision to let God use “everything that is me” for His divine purpose, I started experiencing a sick stomach, throbbing pains, tears, and fear. I became afraid of the dark, always feeling as if someone were coming to get me. I began to dream troubling dreams.

Every day, I wrote in my journal the phrases that God had given me. Over and over again I would write that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that I can find grace and mercy in time of need, that I am free from any condemning charges against me.

Still, I experienced anxiety attacks over the simplest things, and I began to binge-eat. And again I started obsessing about a certain person who had hurt me. I kept waiting for those repressed memories from my childhood to come forth—for God to use in my healing—but they never came. My counselor encouraged me to pray for the Lord to give me pleasant dreams instead of haunting nightmares. I was skeptical, but I did it, and God answered my prayer. This prayer was an example of my drawing near to God with confidence as He promises in Hebrews. I prayed, and my bad dreams stopped.

For whatever reason, even though I wanted to recall those repressed memories, the time was not right for that to happen. Instead, God helped me in other ways. Looking back in my journal, I see three specific things that God did to help me through this difficult time.

The first thing that God showed me was that, if I am free from condemning charges, then I must stop condemning others, particularly the “problem person” who was plaguing me so. Wow! I had to confess my sin and give that person over to God. Then God reminded me of how he had used friends and strangers to encourage me. On two different occasions recorded in my journal, friends just texted me out of the blue to offer words of kindness, not knowing how badly I needed to receive them. And a phone call from a total stranger had miraculously and unexpectedly brightened a particularly dark day. The third thing that I realized was that I do have the power to control my eating. God had already given me the authority not to binge-eat, gain weight, and despise myself for it. For you see, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. With confidence I knelt before the throne of God and asked and received His strength to overcome this situation.

My word of encouragement to you today is for you to honor God and surrender your life so that He can work in His way, in His time to bring you joy and fulfillment. I wanted so badly to remember those repressed memories so that I could move on, but instead He used this time to show me other things that needed to come first. Maybe tomorrow will be my day of remembering, but today I am going to rest in Him and believe that He is working for my best interests.

What about you? Are you trying to rush what God has for your healing? Are you being impatient, wanting it to be done now? That’s how I was, but now I am going to rest in His grace and mercy. Come sit with me. Let’s just rest today and gather strength for the hard work that still lies ahead of us. He knows best.
Blessings – Lisa

I Am New – But I’m Still Fighting The Battle To Be Free

Posted on by under depression, Hope, Uncategorized

Last week I shared with you about my victory when I was made new by God after I missed an important trip with my husband because I felt unlovable. God gave me the promises of being new, cherished, loved, acceptable, and worthy. I wanted and needed to cling to those promises as I dealt with a new phase in my healing process, but the enemy would not give me up so easily.

The next day—and I mean the very next day after my spiritual high—I started feeling bad again. The enemy reminded me of all the other times that I had ruined trips or other opportunities to spend time with my husband. The battle raged all day, but I kept reminding myself of those three fundamental truths that I had written over and over again in my journal: I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am complete in Christ, and I will one day be perfected as His good work. At the end of that day, I went to bed exhausted, and that was when the enemy came at me again in a different way.

That night I had nightmares. I rarely remember my dreams, except for the bad ones, and before that night I had not recalled a dream in a long time. But that night was different. Even now I have vivid, disturbing memories of those nightmares. I dreamed of being raped and then not believed, I dreamed of being chased by people who were out to get me, I dreamed that others were trying to hurt me. Suddenly I was thrashing about in dark, murky waters, struggling to keep my head above water. It was horrible.

My past, that I had repressed and denied for so long, wanted to come forth and condemn me. The enemy wanted me to believe that I still deserved to suffer, even though God have given me His promises, and that I would never be a whole person again. He wanted me to believe that I would never be able to enjoy traveling with my husband. Once more, I asked God for a verse, for reassurance from His Word to help me combat this new attack. And it came from Romans 8:1-2, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death” (NAS).

Do you see that? “There is therefore now no condemnation.” Even when my dreams were trying to defeat me and cause me to lose hope, Christ Jesus is bigger than that assault. He can set me free from eternal death. Surely He can also set me free from what was done to me in the past. Surely He can do that. Yes, He can. And I am going to choose to believe it today. I know that I still have a journey filled with battles ahead of me, but I choose to believe that I can overcome those obstacles, too.

Has the enemy been trying to convince you that you are no good? Does he remind you of your mistakes and hurts from the past to try to build his case against you? Well, good news! There is no condemnation against you if you are in Christ Jesus. The enemy may try to attack you in your dreams as he tried to attack me, but we are not going to allow him to win even there. He is not going to win this battle because we are free, free in Christ, and we are going to walk with hope. It is hard, but it can be done. Believe, and be free.

Blessings – Lisa

 

I Am New

Posted on by under depression, Hope, Hopelessness, Uncategorized

In Christ alone we can all be made new. For some of us, the transformation seems to come so easily. But for others of us, God uses hurtful, heart-wrenching times of struggle to speak to our lives. I find myself in the second category. I have believed and loved God’s Word since I was a child, but some of the concepts and promises of the Bible were just words on paper to me. I believed them, but they weren’t ingrained in my heart yet.

Oh, how much God loves us and works in our lives to bring us closer to him. Once, I had a chance to go on a trip to a city that I had never visited before—Chicago. This was a trip that I could have gone on with my dear, sweet husband. It would have been a great time, but I chose not to go. I chose not to go because I felt unlovable. You see, my sexual abuse not only affected how I felt about myself, but it was also affecting my relationship with my husband. I had shut down emotionally. I did not want to feel this way, but my emotional withdrawal had such a devastating stronghold on my life.

So I stayed home, and he went alone on this trip to a new and exciting place. I was home alone because I hated myself. I started feeling trapped and cheated. In fact, I started hating myself even more. My journal became filled with entries of how much I hated myself. I detested the way I felt, but I couldn’t find any relief or an answer. One of my journal entries ended with the passage, “I hate being defective.” You see, that is how I felt about myself. I was defective, I was not whole, I was not normal, I would never be free again, I was trapped. How those thoughts plagued me over and over.

I wept and wept. I called my husband and begged for forgiveness, and I wept some more. The pain just would not leave me. Later that night, lying on the couch alone, in the stillness and quiet of my empty house, I begged God for a word. Once again, God spoke to me and encouraged me. How thankful I am for His Patience and Love for me! As before, He used a song to speak to me. In his song “I Am New,” Jason Gray writes about living in the “shadows of shame” and not believing that there is a possibility of ever being able to change. That is exactly how I felt, as if this shamefulness was going to be my companion forever. Then in the lyrics I discovered a very important word: the word BUT. But God does not see me as I see myself!

Oh, what joy to know that God does not see me the way that I see myself. God sees me in a different way because He sees me as a new creation in Christ, accepted by Him even when I can not accept myself.  One day I am going to be totally made brand new. But in reality I don’t have to wait. I can claim all of those promises now. Oh, how I needed to know that. How I desperately needed to claim all those promises in my heart, and to rest in that assurance. Thank you again, God, for reminding me of who I am in you.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (NIV). Are you feeling defective? Do you feel as if the ick inside of you will never completely leave you? Do you ever just hate who you are? Have you ever sabotaged your life because you felt unloved? Here are the promises I have for you: You are forgiven, you are Beloved, you are made in the Image of Christ Himself, you are Righteous and Holy, you are Reborn and Remade, you are Accepted and Worthy, and you are all of those things NOW. Let’s ingrain those truths in our hearts today. And let’s remember how God sees us when He looks at us—new, loved, and remade.

Blessings – Lisa

The Secret to Forgiveness

Posted on by under Forgiveness, Uncategorized

God always knows what’s really going on inside my heart. For example, I was feeling pretty good about my life after dealing with a particularly hard-to-forgive person. With God’s help, I had let go of my bitterness toward him, completely forgiving him the wrongs he had done to my family and me. I thought I had this forgiveness business under control. After all, I had just done some heavy-duty forgiving, hadn’t I? I was following what I understood the Bible to say about forgiving, and I felt pretty good about what I had accomplished.

However, there was still another person, another relationship, that I was having issues with. I was having issues with her because, instead of dealing with my feelings, I had been stuffing my emotions away and deadening my heart concerning her. Now, let me assure you, that is definitely not the correct way to deal with issues of anger. After some time stuffing away the pain of the relationship and trying not even to think about it, I realized that God had determined that the time had finally come to address my anger. Let me tell you, when at last my anger toward this loved one came, it came with a vengeance.

I had lost hope and depression gripped my life. I needed to give up my anger, but it had such a horrible stronghold on me. I started waking up every day obsessing about this particular situation. It was controlling me. I began to understand that I could not move on with my healing of my past until I had faced and resolved this specific pain. This was so hard. Hadn’t I just had the victory of forgiving another who had caused deep pain in my life? Why was this new situation different? Then it hit me. The person I had forgiven was dead and gone, and I no longer had to face him on this earth. But the situation that God wanted me to deal with now was ever-present and not one that would go away any time soon.

One day, as I sat on my couch at home, I asked God to help me with this pain. Why God? Oh, God, I cannot do this on my own. I knew what I needed to do to resolve this problem, but I didn’t seem to have the strength to do it. On this particular morning, as I reached out for God’s help, there were roofers hammering away above my head, and it was then that God spoke to me. He whispered to me in the midst of all that noise that I needed to strip away all the old, damaged, broken shingles of hurt that covered my life concerning this situation. I needed to strip those hurts away and replace them with new feelings and with the Truth so that I could be free. It was my choice. Only I could make that decision. Only I could choose whether or not to forgive. Even though I would face the situation daily, I had to believe that I could release the anger and forgive.

So, I made the choice to do that very thing. I had to forgive, I had to be free, and I had to release the situation to God. I wept and cried as if a dam had burst open. I released the anger and gave my unforgiveness to God. Then, what peace God gave me. Oh, the joy of forgiveness! Once I had made that decision, I was able to trust God to help me. That is the secret to forgiveness. I must make the choice to forgive, and then God moves in to strengthen and to heal.

Is there some situation in your life that you need to forgive? Are you walking along, confident and proud of all the “good” things you have done, but secretly hiding anger and an unforgiving spirit in the deepest corner of your heart? Do not stuff it away. Do not let it lie there dormant. Do not delay to deal with it. I beg you, do not become dead inside concerning that situation. Give it to God, and He will give you peace. He will help you with your unforgiveness.

Psalm 130: 1-4 says, “Out of the depths I have cried to Thee, O LORD. LORD, hear my voice! Let Thine ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications. If Thou, LORD, shouldst mark iniquities, O LORD, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with Thee, that Thou mayest be feared” (NAS). Make the choice to forgive, and God will be there in an instant. Cry out to Him, for His ears are attentive to your voice. He is waiting for your supplication. Oh, Friend, cry out to Him now for He has forgiven you. Remember, we must forgive not only those whom we seldom or never see but also those whom we must face daily. Daily forgiving, daily crying out to God for strength, daily resting in His forgiveness—let’s choose to believe that we can strip away those old feelings and that new ones will one day reign in our hearts. Oh, I believe! How about you?

Blessings – Lisa