Tag Archives: childhood sexual trauma

Ugly is Fading Fast, and Hey, I AM Pretty!

Posted on by under depression, disassociation, Dumb Stupid and Ugly, Uncategorized

Ugly was a very difficult foe to eject from my life. God showed me great truths that I could embrace as I fought him, including making a list of what I liked about myself. As I worked on this list, I realized that there really were some things that I could appreciate about how God had formed me. One of those things that I liked about myself was my hair– my prematurely white hair– and I chose not to color it. For some reason, that choice became very important to me and, in fact, I believed that my white hair was something I should be proud of.

My white hair reminded me of someone whom I had loved dearly and who had loved me dearly, too–my grandmother. My grandmother had had pretty white hair, and now God was giving me that same gift. I had always felt loved and accepted by her. As I battled Ugly, I needed more reassurance that I was beloved not only by God but also by the people close to me. God answered that need in a dramatic way through a friend of mine who made a comment to me that changed my life.

Only my counselor knew that I was struggling with this issue, reminding myself every day that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. After a particularly good counseling session in which we had prayed about getting rid of Ugly, I left to see this friend. Her daughter was studying cosmetology, and I had made an appointment for her to cut my hair while I visited my friend at her house. After the haircut, my friend looked at me and said, “You look so pretty.” She paused, and then she added, “You know you are just so pretty on the inside already.” Wow! I just wanted to weep and weep. God had answered my prayer in just two short hours.

Now that may seem like a trivial thing to some people, but it was huge for me. Someone loved me and thought I was pretty. I felt God wrapping His arms around me and just giving me a bear hug. When I got home, I immediately wrote about the experience in my journal. I wanted to have a record of how much my God loves me. Ugly was finally beginning to fade in my life. He was a liar and now I had evidence to throw in his face.

Oh, friend, God wants to encourage you, too, in your healing walk away from the damage caused by your sexual trauma and toward a life of wholeness. Cry out to Him and He will show you His love in tangible ways. You must believe His Word when He says in Romans 8:38-39, “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (NAS).

Let me add to that list: Neither Dumb, Stupid, and Ugly, nor those who had hurt me when I was little, nor the mistakes I have made in acting out in response to my abuse, none of these things can separate me from the love of God. What do you need to add to this list? Dear one, write it out. Write out all the things that you believe might keep His love from you and believe instead that NOTHING can separate you from God’s love. Ask Him today to show you, and He will. Believe it, and bask in His love for you.

Blessings – Lisa

 

Step Aside Ugly, I’m Going Shopping

Posted on by under depression, disassociation, Dumb Stupid and Ugly, Uncategorized

Ugly’s dominance in my life influenced what I wore on a daily basis. I started wearing loose-fitting clothes. I gained weight. I never bought new clothes for myself. Baggy shorts and pants and t-shirts became my uniform. I needed help to rid myself of Ugly.

My counselor gave me an assignment. Go shopping and buy some clothes that are flattering and dressier than my t-shirt collection. But that was one thing that I really could not do by myself. If I had gone into a store by myself at that time, I probably would have just stood there, and then left. Thankfully, I had a good friend who literally stuck me in a dressing room and brought me clothes after clothes to try on. Later, she even went shopping for me and brought bags of clothes to my house for me to try on.

Then came the big day when I had to actually wear one of my outfits when I went out to lunch with a group of friends. I pulled on the pants, and started crying uncontrollably. I had to call my friend, because I didn’t think I could do it. Ugly was trying to wreck my freedom. He didn’t want me to look good. I cried and cried, but I finally got dressed and went out to lunch. When one of the men in the group paid me a compliment and noticed how nice I looked, I didn’t get up and run away or feel the compulsion to gorge.

I was finally beginning to believe the truth that I really am fearfully and wonderfully made, and that God loves me bunches. What a huge hurdle I overcame that day! I was able to dress in an attractive, appropriate outfit without wondering whether I was drawing too much attention to myself or somehow enticing unwanted notice. Of course, there were many more hurdles to come, but it has been these baby steps that have given me the confidence to keep going.

Dear friend, have you been hiding yourself behind your clothes? Would you rather just disappear and hope that no one notices that you live on this planet? God assures us in Psalm 139:14 that He made you just as you are and that His workmanship is wonderful. He wants us to be confident men and women and to live out among people. Would you rest in that thought today? He loves you very much. Say it. I know God loves me very much!

Blessings – Lisa

 

Ugly – The Unwanted Protector

Posted on by under depression, disassociation, Dumb Stupid and Ugly, Uncategorized

After getting rid of Dumb and Stupid, I knew that with God’s help I could tackle Ugly. Ugly had become my protection. As a child, I had believed that I must have looked a certain way for my abuser to want to do those things to me, and Ugly helped me cope with that assumption. I never wanted to look or feel pretty, and Ugly helped me hide who I really was as a person.

My counselor told me to bring some pictures of myself to one of our sessions. She wanted me to bring an assortment of pictures of myself from around the time of my molestation, so I did. I remember how much I liked one of the pictures in particular and how much I disliked one of the others. I was so cute and pretty in the one, but in the other I was so ugly. Suddenly, I realized that I really liked the photo taken before I was molested, but I really hated the one taken afterwards. The time frame was obvious. I was stunned by how my attitude toward my appearance had been changed by what had happened to me.

I never intentionally tried to look bad during my childhood, but after my marriage Ugly became my constant companion. As a woman, any time a man complimented me on my looks, I wanted to eat and eat and run away. I started wearing loose-fitting clothes. I gained weight because being thin might show my figure. I never really dressed up or wore much make-up or jewelry. I never even bought myself new clothes, and I became content to wear baggy shorts and t-shirts during the summer.

As my counseling continued, and we stripped away Dumb and Stupid (see earlier posts), Ugly began to grow inside me and tried to take up all the space that Dumb and Stupid had just vacated. I became more and more self-conscious about what I wore and how I looked. Just the thought of some simple adornment such as painting my toenails was tortuous to me. Ugly taunted me over and over about how dirty I had been made by what had happened to me in the past. I was bombarded with the words, “Dirty! Dirty! Ugly! Ugly!” I didn’t believe that anyone could ever see me as pretty ever again.

But, Ugly was wrong. God says in His Word that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And, to prove that to myself, my first assignment was to paint my toenails. It took me a full week to be able to accomplish that one little task, but finally I did it. Next assignment: Make a list of things that I like about myself. It took some hard searching, but I did manage to find some things that I like, such as my hands, my complexion, my notch in my ear.

I had one more assignment that I will share with you next week. So, I will leave you with this thought for today. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Do not let someone like Ugly tell you any different! God wants you and I to know that no matter what someone else has done to us, it was not our fault. He loves us very much. Think about that today. Believe it.

Blessings – Lisa

SHOWDOWN WITH STUPID

Posted on by under depression, disassociation, Dumb Stupid and Ugly

Stupid had frozen my life and I was tired of it!! I was tired of feeling like a failure and the depression that had taken over my life.

So I went to counseling. My counselor asked me to start writing down the evidence that I am not stupid. But I could not think of a single thing – literally not one single thing – that I could do to prove that I was not stupid. I burst into tears instead. I really believed that I was stupid. I wept and I hugged Stupid tightly against me. He was not going to go away gently. He was not going away without a battle.

With my counselor’s encouragement and guidance, I started naming some of the everyday things that I can do. Yes, I can clean house. Yes, I can cook. She asked me, “What are your strengths?” and I realized that I do have some strengths. I can budget, and I can organize. I had homeschooled all three of my children. So I finally began to write. I cried and I wrote and I cried and I wrote. Eventually I had a whole page of written evidence that indeed I am not stupid.

The time came for me to say those four simple words, “I am not stupid.” Releasing the death grip that I had on myself, I was able to say with conviction, “I AM NOT STUPID!”

Writing this today has again brought tears to my eyes. How long had I lived believing that I couldn’t measure up to the rest of the world! But, even though I had rebuked Stupid, he continued to harass me and to sneak up on me when I least expected it. To protect myself from him, I found an index card and wrote myself a reminder that I am not stupid. I still have that card. At first, I had to carry it with me everywhere, at all times, but now it lives on my kitchen counter.

God gave me this verse for my index card:  “The steadfast of mind Thou wilt keep in perfect peace, because he trusts in Thee,” Isaiah 26:3 (NAS). Until I overcame Stupid finally and completely, every day I had to tell God that I was going to trust Him with my mind and my intellect so that I could have perfect peace. I refused to allow the enemy to take away that peace of mind.

Oh, friend, is there a Stupid in your life who wants to take away your perfect peace and cause you sorrow? Cry out to God and trust that He Himself can keep your mind in perfect peace. Call out to Him today. Do not delay.

Blessings – Lisa

Then There Was Stupid

Posted on by under depression, Dumb Stupid and Ugly, Uncategorized

Just as Dumb had attacked my emotional well-being, Stupid used similar tactics to assault my intellectual self-confidence. Dumb, Stupid, and Ugly worked closely with one another against me.

I have always loved games – playing cards or anything that has to do with words or numbers. And I was smart in school, a good student. I made good grades and was consistently at the top of my class, though I did struggle with Physical Education. (Can you hear my husband laughing?) I enjoyed school. There were some classes that were more challenging than others, of course, but, without fail, learning has brought me great joy throughout my life.

But somehow Stupid always tripped me up. As I look back now to my high-school days, I can see it so clearly. Regardless of my academic success, I would sabotage myself or otherwise defeat myself. I never even tried to pursue awards or scholarships that would have helped me continue my education beyond high school. I was in the top 10% of my graduating class at a large high school in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, but I felt stupid.

I had no plans or goals for college. Stupid froze any ambition I might have had. I did attend a commuter college for a year and took summer classes at a junior college, but then I fell in love and got married and never again pursued formal education. My husband encouraged me to take some classes, but I always made some sort of excuse.

As the years progressed, my sense of stupidness increased, especially when so many of my adult friends had college degrees and worked outside the home. Being a stay-at-home mom allowed me to dispel Stupid for a while, but he reemerged when my children were older and I began to spend more time among adults. I had not watched much television or really kept up with world events and popular culture, so I found that often I did not know what my friends were talking about. I started feeling extremely stupid again.

When I started going to counseling, fighting that ugly trio, Stupid would bombard me just as Dumb had done. I found myself rehearsing in my mind how stupid I was. “Why don’t I know this or that? Why don’t I know the words to that song? Why don’t I watch the news and know what’s going on? Why do I even associate with these people with their college degrees and important jobs?” I had to yell at Stupid to make him leave me alone. I felt like such a failure, and I was so depressed that it became a chore for me even to get up and go anywhere.

Somehow Stupid had to be eradicated from my life so I could have peace of mind. I felt as if I were going crazy. Next week I will share the showdown with Stupid, but, until then, don’t let a Stupid take control of your mind. Get help. Do not live your life believing a lie.

Blessings – Lisa

Dumb, Really?

Posted on by under depression, Dumb Stupid and Ugly, Uncategorized

Having Dumb as a part of my life was very tiresome! As he began fighting for his place in my life I knew I had to fight to rid him out of my life instead. The conflict came to head one day during counseling. I had to admit that no one is perfect and, yes, people say and do things that are mess-ups because only God is perfect. I had been writing Colossians 2:10 in my journal every day: “And in Him you are made complete” (NAS). Every day I had to say and try to believe that I could be made complete in Christ.

Then came the crucial moment. It was time for me to say, “I am not dumb.” All I had to say was, “I am not dumb.” Just those four simple words. Just say them out loud. I could not do it.

I cried and wept and hugged myself. It was horrible. Dumb was not going to leave that easily. Hadn’t he been my guide and companion for decades? Wasn’t the shame of my molestation the most glaring evidence of his role in my life? So I had to make the choice: was God’s Word real and true, or not?

Did I believe the Truth of Colossians 2:10? Yes. I did – I do – believe God’s Word. I believed, and I knew that I could be free from Dumb if I would only say those words. I relaxed the tight hug on myself (and it was a very tight hug) and said those precious words, “I AM NOT DUMB.” Oh my, what freedom came flooding into my life as a result of letting go of Dumb. There was an instant change in my life. I can honestly say that Dumb left my life that day. Though there were times when he tried to attack me again, I did not let him back in.

Dear friend, believe God’s Word is true and know that God has good plans for your life. He loves you and wants the best for you. Get rid of that Someone in your life and choose to live a free life in Christ.

Blessings – Lisa

 

Dumb – Who is He?

Posted on by under depression

Dumb, Stupid, and Ugly. This trio of accusers plagued me for many years of my life, and every aspect of my being passed through their filters. They were so real to me that I named them with capital letters and thought of them as three distinct, living beings. And each one tortured me in his own way.

But what is the difference between Dumb and Stupid? In my long relationships with Dumb, Stupid, and Ugly, the distinctions were subtle but real. Stupid had to do with intellect, but Dumb had to do with my words and actions. Whenever I messed up, whenever I was not perfect, whenever I said something off-the-wall or tripped over my own feet, Dumb appeared. Dumb was right there to accuse me.

Until I started going to counseling, I did not realize just how much Dumb was a part of my life. Dumb would whisper in my ear, “How could you have said THAT?” or, “Why did you do THAT?” Memories of certain situations where I had acted or sounded dumb haunted me constantly. While I was driving, taking a shower, cooking supper, cleaning house – you name the place – my mind would accuse me, reminding me of the dumb thing I had said or how dumb I must have looked.

I would say to myself, “I acted so dumb…,” but then, instead of thinking that I was saying and doing dumb things, I regressed to the point that I believed that I was dumb! I actually became dumb and walked around believing that I could not do anything right. I never gave myself permission to make mistakes, because mistakes were the evidence that Dumb needed to beat me down over and over.

So, as I began to wrestle with Dumb and try to extract him from my life, our battle became more intense. He kept whispering in my ear, and I heard his voice constantly. Sometimes when I was driving the thoughts would come to me and I would literally yell at them to stop. Years and years of Dumb’s evidence began to pour upon me. He did not want to let me go, so he began fighting for his place in my life.

This was a terrible time on my journey to wholeness. The only thing that kept me from going insane was going to counseling and reading God’s Word.

Next week I will share a little more about how I dealt with Dumb but until then, if you have someone or something in your life who, like Dumb, wants you to fail and wants to ruin your life, find help to get them out of your life!

Blessings – Lisa

 

Abused. Hidden. Renewed.

Posted on by under Uncategorized

After many years of struggling with depression and despair, I finally found a counselor who helped me find the answers. Answers that involved why I had no memories of my life until I turned 8 years of age, childhood sexual trauma, and disassociation. This blog is going to chronicle the journey that has led me to this place.

For years I never wanted ANYONE to know the deep pain that was going on inside of me. On the outside I was just a regular person who happened to be a wife, mother, and friend, but inside of me was a little girl who was locked away in a secret place, afraid because of the vile acts that had been committed against her. Unknown to me I had splintered into various parts. Each part held a piece of the puzzle that I so desperately wanted to put together. I felt so alone and weird. But I found hope and renewal.

This blog is going to be an attempt to share my journey with others who may be feeling the same way. Every story is different but there are many feelings and situations that are common with those who have experienced childhood sexual trauma or disassociation. This is my story to help anyone who may be struggling, and may feel alone or weird. I want you to know that healing is just around the corner…..